Otis! My man!

I want points for keeping my sense of humor over the past year.

Here I sit on a rainy Monday morning, drinking coffee and listening to Otis Redding. My house is clean, I am alone and wearing my sweats that would be a deal-breaker to any man who wanted me for my looks. Total comfort.

I am reflecting on my weekend which sends me down the memory rabbit hole of the last few months. Dating for the 1st time in 27 years and phasing off my antidepressants at the same time. Bold move, right? 

That's how I DO!

And, I was ready to do both.

My dating app experience is a WHOLE other post but last night I deleted the apps from my phone. 

Tinder and Bumble are like a literal tsunami of dick. Crude, yes. But that is the best description I can come up with. You put up a profile and then it is like a summer adventure flick. You are standing on the shoreline, enjoying the view and then suddenly, the tide recedes.  Hmmm...that isn't normal? Then, this ominous feeling of dread comes over you-cue the music-and in the horizon, you see it. You don't run, initially. You stand there and just stare. Then instinct says to turn and run and you do. Over your shoulder, a giant wave of weiners.

There is beauty in the ocean. You want to be at the beach. You just don't want to drown in the water.

That was dating apps for me.

The only positive I pulled from them besides from life experience is Jose, who I text with now as I write this entry. He is a chef and restaurant owner. We laugh about how Tinder is kin to a public toilet. Used in what is perceived desperation but MAYBE I could've waited till I got home? He likes brussel sprouts as much as I do. We've never met. He is just a gentleman and a gentle man who is easy to talk to. 

I had a great conversation with a woman in the bathroom at Finnigan's Wake. Girls out for drinks do this. She said the best thing and it really connected with me. She described talking to a man before she married and how it went well over text but in person...nothin'. She realized that she could lead a conversation thru text so that it plays to her level of wit and intelligence. Really, she was courting herself. Of course, it was attractive! That is the perfect description of what is going on in my life and why I can't use these apps.

I meet someone online. He seems witty. Intelligent. I like his face (stupid apps. And I am offended that they like me for my looks?) We graduate from messaging to text. Then, the phone call. I get super pleased because I am hoping that I am going to meet someone that is culturally and intellectually and morally my equal. And I am not above anyone else. NOT AT ALL. I just need to be compatible on that level.  We meet and by date 2, usually...ugh. 

And it makes you wonder? Am I too critical or are these guys just weird?

My No List:

1. Negativity-self-explanatory. I am a sunshine pumper. I don't want someone who complains about the little things. Life is good. Settle down.

2. Dat Ex-can you leave her at home? Or, better yet. Don't date until she is out of your life as a remote possibility? 3 times was enough for me. Get your lives together and just go back to her. 

3. I am a real person-Like me for what is between my ears, not for my looks. I get that is why we swipe right initially but come on. Brainzzzz.

4. No cultural quick wit endurance-is that even a thing? If it wasn't, it is now. I want someone who can keep up. I want to tell someone that I just saw The Crucible and have him say, "Arthur Miller is the shit!" And then he texts me this meme within 2 min.

5. No Big Boy Palate-Be man enough to drink wine and love great food. But still hit the cold 2am pizza over the sink or stand in my kitchen and plow a bowl of cereal.

Oh, and I want him to have a beard. Also, must love animals and Star Wars.

Where is he? 😜

Quick answer...not on dating apps. They take you across the cultural and intellectual border. I don't have a passport. They allow us to create an illusion. Isn't life confusing enough without smoke and mirrors? 

I am going back to meeting guys the old-fashioned way. With me being awkward AF. 

Until then, I have coffee, CrossFit, texts with Jose, my friends

 and my man Otis in the background with rain on my roof.

Pillows and Prozac

"Why don't you write that funny blog anymore?"

Well, damn.

I wouldn't even know where to begin. I mean, literally. I wouldn't know what to start with if I did.

So much has happened.

I was threatened by a reader. I had to get a lawyer.

I became an NPC bikini competitor. 

2017 kicked my now well-defined booty while some millennial Snapped it. Not really, but jeez.

My husband left me and I lost my sense of reality. 

I moved to a new city.

They canceled Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders.

Wait? Hold up. What?

Yeah.

It is a strange sensation. To lose all sense of reality and yet be aware that you ARE LOSING ALL SENSE OF REALITY.

Fun side note; your hair falls out too. Shout out to my stylist, Nicole Watson for adding a shit ton of extensions until those fell out too. You're my hero.

He wasn't happy. I didn't know this. Apparently, he did. I was happy but it takes two. I loved him. He isn't sure if he ever loved me. So, he left.

I can actually pinpoint the day that I knew I had lost my crackers. I was late for work and I turned around and went back home to move two pillows on the bed. I had put the Darth Vader pillow on my side and the Storm Trooper on his. Not that he slept there. But the week before we had a good day and that is where the pillows were on THAT day and if they weren't there today, it would 

All.

Fall.

Apart.

. So, I turned my car around and changed them. And I drove to work.

WAIT! 

Forget that. I'm the Vader. I'm in charge. The universe would see the pillows and know that I was going to cave...again...like I always do. 

GO BACK AND SWITCH THE PILLOWS!

And, I did.

And, I drove to work. 

Again.

I had the worst class. I felt antsy. 

Where was my husband? What if he went home because I wasn't there and saw the pillows?

Ladies, men don't notice pillows. They notice HOW many pillows they have to throw on the floor at night when they get in bed but they don't notice pillow placement. Know this.

I need to get home and change those pillows around! THIS IS THE LONGEST HOUR EVER!!!!

I gunned the yellow light. I made it home. 

The mail was on the kitchen island. 

He had come home to check the mail because I wasn't there. 

that's the worst feeling

He had been in the bedroom to collect more gym clothes. 

Damn it...

And, I sat on the couch and cried from 1:30-6. And thought about absolutely nothing and everything.

Somewhere in there, he stopped by. He sat on the hearth. He left angry.

I pulled my act together and made dinner. I picked up our daughter from practice. He came home and we pretended that everything was fine until she went to bed. Sometimes, we would argue in the basement. 

Then, he'd leave. 

And I would stay awake.

Turned up to 11. 

And I repeated this every day for...I don't even know.

Every.

Day.

We went to counseling. I went to counseling. I got on Prozac. I got strong enough to brush my hair again. 

My marriage didn't make it.

And now, I am divorced. 

We are divorced. Holy shit.

But, he is my friend now.

I have a home, my hair and I've dated a string of unavailable but very attractive men who are WAY too young for me. 

I won't lie. That was fun. 

Except when it wasn't. 

There are parts that I want to forget. And can't.

 That sucks.

But, I sleep now. That is new. I am forever thankful to the friend who helped me in that regard.

I have a kick-ass Millennium Falcon tattoo.

I love my job.

But, what do I do now? Where do I go from here? I really don't know. Life is good. And frightening. And exciting. And frightening. Every day.

But, it IS time to acknowledge to you why I don't write my funny blog anymore. 

Thanks for asking.

And why I will start writing again. 

I will. 

I promise.

And, yes. It will be hilarious.

Stay tuned...

-Nicole

We've all been a little Grimey at times.

I love the Simpsons.

 

This is one of my favorite episodes.

Homer has a new co-worker named Frank Grimes. Much to Frank's dismay, Homer refers to him as Grimey.

He hates that.

Everyone loves Homer. Grimey doesn't get why. Grimey feels that is unfair.

 

Grimey becomes obsessed with Homer and his personal success. He doesn't understand how Homer has managed to go to the moon, meet presidents and live in a 2 story home because Homer is generally a screw-up. Grimey lives paycheck to paycheck in a small walk-up apartment. Grimey lives his life by the book. Homer is socially illiterate.

 

Grimey becomes obsessed with pointing out Homer's bumbles and eventually goes off the deep end.

Had Grimey just focused on himself, he could have soared. Instead, he plummets.

 

In our training, we have all had our moments where we have been a little like Grimey.

 

You may know someone who eats poorly but beats you in every cardio WOD. It doesn't seem fair. You are diligent with your diet.

 

Perhaps they just have a natural talent that has made a skill that you struggle with come to them easier. Like the 2nd time they try it. And you've been on a program for a year. AUGH!

 

Remember that success is found within yourself.

Inspiration is found with admiration, not bitterness.

Spite is a weight that only you carry. The barbell is heavy enough.

The skills are hard enough.

Choose to soar.

Don't focus on who is deserving in your eyes.

Choose to focus on you.

You deserve to put yourself first.

Celebrate you.

 

Don't be a Grimey.

 

 

 

 



Prescription for a good nights sleep.

 

10. Be kind to one another.

9. Go outside and breathe. And sweat. 

8. Be thankful for your blessings-emotionally and verbally.

7. Hug your children.

6. Do NOTHING for 5 minutes. It feels pretty nice.

5. Laugh and listen with your friends.

4. Keep your own council.

3. Make the people you're with feel like champions.

2. Believe they are champions. That includes you. You are your most important friend.

1. Turn a gallon of water into pee. Every day.

 

 

 

 

 

You ruined that song for me.

10. "If" by Bread

The lyrics are beautiful.

 

"If a man could be two places at one time,

I'd be with you.

Tomorrow and today, beside you all the way.

If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die,

I'd spend the end with you.

And when the world was through,

Then one by one the stars would all go out,

Then you and I would simply fly away"

Until you find out that it is written about his love for doing drugs and not about a woman.

 

 

                                                9. "Sister Christian" by Night Ranger


                                                           Thanks, Boogie Nights.

There is an edit at the end-sorry.

Spoiler alert:

It doesn't end well.

 

8. "Stuck in the Middle With You" by Stealers Wheel

Reservoir Dogs

 

7. "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" by Elton John & Kiki Dee.

 

DESTROYED by ODB featuring Macy Gray

 My heart is broken.

 

Speaking of hearts, this one should stick with "My Heart Will Go On".

 

6. "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC

Anastacia & Celine Dion

 

So. Much. Thrusting.

Can't unsee.

 

5. "Reelin' In The Years" by Steely Dan

Donny and Marie

Reeling....

 

4. "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen

William Shatner is killing it.

 Literally.

 

3. "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz.

Performed by this cute little kid.

Damn it. Does anyone know the lyrics of this song? Not like it was a favorite to ruin but damn.

I give him points for cuteness and ukulele skillz.

 

2. This kind of counts.

Three Beat Slide ruined Summer for me. A season. An entire freaking season with one song.

"Summertime is Great."

 

This helps:

 

 

1. "Let It Be" by the Beatles

Ruined by this guy who is dressed like the Stay Puft Marshmallow man in Ghostbusters.

But the guy on the left side looks like he is going to take him out in the parking lot, so you have that going for you, which is nice.

 

 



I'm uncomfortable with your level of comfortable.

This guy:

Is he on the edge of reality or has he tapped into a level of enlightenment that the rest of us haven't hit yet?

 

I'm serious.

 

Is it possible that people who do things like this live on a level that most of us would envy?

What must this sweet freedom taste like? To wake up and say "I can't be bothered with getting dressed today. Off to Walmart!"

 

I drove my daughter so school today. It was 6:55 A.M. No parent drop-off line. No getting out of the car. And I did it wearing the clothes I slept in the night before.

I felt like I had just robbed a Circle K. 

My anxiety was at an 11.

 

What if I had hit a deer? Had a flat?

What if there was an accident with another car?

I would have been on the side of the road-no bra, teeth un-brushed, pajama pants on with loafers and a hoodie.

 

Like a meth head.

 

And people would drive by wondering "Who the fuck goes out in their pajamas?"

And they would get to their destination and say to their friends "Watch out on K Hwy. Some meth head was on the side of the road looking all crazy."

 

Perhaps the pajama pants bunch are looking at US and thinking "Hey dumbass in your bra and street clothes. You could of gotten away with THIS! It's a pretty sweet deal."

 

 

Or you could forget the whole pretending that the pajama pants are pants and go Full Pajama.

 

You never go full pajama.

 

This is interesting. It says that you know that wearing a nightgown in public is wrong.

 But if pj pants are wrong, she don't wanna be right.

 

 

I like to imagine her posting on Facebook...

Level 10

Robe.

 

 

I don't know...

I just know that I can't.

 

I guess I'll just keep offending people by wearing yoga pants.

 

 

 

Your Psychological Dating Profile aka Pinterest

If I were a single man, I'd check out a girl's Pinterest page before I asked her out. Or told her I liked her shoes. Or anything. And I mean ANY FUCKING THING. Because you couldn't ask for a more accurate Crazy Meter for your next potential crazy ex-girlfriend.

The following are the Top 10 crazy ass boards I found browsing...just freaking browsing on Pinterest:

10. Antique Medical Equipment

Do you want to be the doctor or the patient?

9. Pet Wedding Attire

How awkward would your lady feel if you showed up at her afternoon dog wedding in something more suited for an evening dog wedding? What's your stance on mixed breed marriages? Dog/Cat civil unions?
 Damn.
"It's like you don't even care! This relationship is over. OVER!"

8. My Someday Baby

Names.

Cribs. 

Placenta crafts and recipes.

Let that sink in...

7. I'm over you. (I'm not really over you.)

Leading right into...

 

6. My Future Husband

 

How oddly specific is this?

                                                        

"My future husband wears a bold, elegant watch, even though he could just as easily check his cell phone for the time."

 

5. This one is trickier. It may be called Baubles, or My Style but know this-it's her engagement ring. And it costs more than your watch, Future Husband.

 

4. If she hates her ex this much, imagine how much she could hate you?
Challenge accepted...

 

http://www.pinterest.com/scorpioneagle/the-ex/

It's cool, bro. She has a whole board titled I'm Sorry.

 

3. Crafts

 Auntie Flo

You will be buying her 'art supplies' at Walgreens.

Aisle 5.

 

2. What's for dinner?

 

ummmm.....

 

1. My Time:

Fuck your playoffs.

 

 

 

 

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