Bracing For a Punch

I am tired.

More specifically, I am tired of losing things.

In the last 15 months, I have lost 

My Home.

Many friends.

A marriage.

My mental acuity.

My trust in others.

 My body.

and yesterday my father died.

If I break it down, I have a new home.

 I am happier here. I am safe here. There are no bad memories here.

Even if I wanted to, I never could've stayed in my old home. And I will never go back. I will never drive down that street again. 

 My new home and town feel more like a home than I have known since childhood.

I love it here.

My friends that I thought were friends aren't the people who I thought that they were. Some were gossipers. I was guilty of that too. Some were adulterers. Some were cowards who ignored it all. (Guilty) Some were focused on material wealth. (Guilty) My friends now are strong. Faithful. They don't play both sides of the fence. I am now surrounded by people who are truly good people with good intentions. 

I love them.

My marriage had many happy times but wasn't healthy. It made knots in my stomach. It made me cry and feel genuinely confused. I fought to save it and the harder I fought, the worse it got. Nothing made sense. And then when I knew why and how it collapsed, I fell into a deeper hole. Nothing but nothing should make you feel like that.

My life is better now. Better than it has been my entire adult life. 

I fought to get right. My mind was stripped bare. It was the single worse thing that has ever happened to me. To literally feel like a wrapper to your body. A shell. To feel vulnerable and fear that you aren't taking care of your child. To watch your child have to assume the role of an adult multiple times. As a survival tactic. The inadequacy that you feel when that happens...it is unimaginable.  But I rebuilt my head. I used a solid foundation. My daughter is stronger than she has ever been. Now she can lean on me again. Losing my head and rebuilding it all was the best thing because I rid myself of the compromised areas. 

I feel calm and stronger.

I have control again. And I will never lose it.

I still don't trust others well. But I have a better awareness of people and I try not to put myself in the path of those who would take advantage of me. So I spend time with people worthy of that leap of trust. I feel it coming back. But it is new this time. Because I am wiser.

My body.

Now that I am getting my head right, I can run 13 miles. And hopefully, I get my focus back to become the bikini competitor that I once was a short lifetime ago.

I want my body back.

But this time, It will be for me.

Waking up yesterday and getting the call that my father had died was a punch I was bracing myself for this week. He was in hospice. His beloved Red Sox had won. He died in his sleep. He is not in pain. He won't need to feel the pain or the struggle to breathe that he has been experiencing. Peace is good. He was given the grace that a man such as himself deserves, To just drift away in comfortable rest. I am thankful. But I can't get my head around the fact that we will never see each other again. But still, I feel some peace. 

  I stood there feeling like I needed to be strong. For my daughter. My brothers. My stepmother. So that the wonderful man who was hugging me didn't have to take care of me even though he wanted to do so.  Someone who I care about who makes me feel safe.  And I still go through life feeling afraid that my grief will inconvenience others. And that I need to apologize for having feelings. I realized that I have lost the ability to be vulnerable. And that makes me very sad. Because there are feelings that I need to feel. But I am afraid that if I do, I will lose my grip on one of my strongholds. 

I have lost the ability to let go and really feel things. I walk around braced, ready to take a punch 24/7. I never stop. And for that, I am tired.

I really pray that this precious thing that I have lost will return. I can make peace with everything else. But this I want back. And I hope that time makes that happen. Because without the ability to be vulnerable, I will never completely 

Feel at home.

Be a good friend.

Give my heart to someone.

Think clearly.

Trust fully.

Be 100% healed from this loss.

So instead of bracing for a punch, I am going to need to go limp.

Damn.

Now I gotta learn something new.

They #@% you at the drive-thru

 I don't know how to trust anymore.

But, I want to change that. 

Does anyone else feel this way?

I've had several people ask if I would write about trust and relationships and I haven't because I shouldn't write about something that I don't know how to do.

 Right?

Unless writing about not knowing how to trust is what they meant? If so, hang on to your ass, Fred! We're getting into this.

Of this subject, I am an expert.

I wasn't always this way and I am not like this on every level. My friend Tiffany knows the code to my front door. I send my daughter to the mall with my credit card. I don't always check my bag before leaving the drive-thru.

I trust, damn it.

But do I trust in romantic relationships?

Well, I want to. 

I am trying really hard. Especially now.

I want to give a man the same trust that I give to the Arby's drive-thru.

I gave my full trust and heart to my marriage. But in return, I stopped trusting myself. I ignored my instincts. And then I misplaced them. That's a really bad thing to lose. It left me completely confused about reality.

And damn it, what if it's permanent?

Where are they?

Probably having shots with my trust, laughing and enjoying their hiatus.

Do I trust men or do they constantly have other lines cast out into the water "just in case"? And if they do, does that mean that I am not enough for someone? When I am interested in a man, I stop entertaining the idea of others. I don't message other men. I focus. Otherwise, how do you know? But do men do this too? 

I feel like that is the biggest thing you deal with after any kind of breakup. Wondering why your 100% wasn't satisfying enough for someone?

That's my biggest fear right now. Second only to the fear that the feeling won't ever go away.

OR...

Do I trust myself or do I constantly lie to myself because being single and dating people for a week is just easier than opening up and trusting again? That's a hard truth.  Because people aren't bad. They're just not perfect. And I get scared too easily.

I've never been a "check the bag at the drive-thru" kinda girl. Not on an order for myself. I just trust and go.

Joe Pesci would be so pissed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V66XdulPrBM

And he's right. They can.

Here you are, miles away and you are either the person who goes back or you eat the thing and wish you had what you wanted in the 1st place.

Or you go in and order, make sure it's right and leave with a guarantee that what you need is in the bag. But you go in because you don't fully trust. At some point, we need to let go and trust. Not at the beginning but eventually. Doubt Town. That is nowhere to permanently live. 

That is life in a nutshell. 

When do you start to trust completely? It's the most freeing and beautiful thing about a relationship, drive-thru or romantic. The convenience to letting go of doubt. 

You know what's the tits? Those random weird fries at the bottom of the bag. The one or two waffle or curly fries when you ordered seasoned fries? You didn't even know that you wanted one but when the universe tosses one in...well, if that doesn't give you a natural high then we can't be friends. And normally, that happens only at the drive-thru.

That's what I want.

I want to trust someone enough to have the reciprocal relationship that I have with Arby's. An equal partnership. I won't underpay and hopefully, they won't short me either. And in return for that trust, the universe will throw me the occasional curly fry to remind me that I'm alive.