Use the Hook Grip!

Six months ago, I hit rock bottom. And at the time, I didn't understand why. Let me explain where I was sitting at that point.

The CrossFit Journal had written a nice profile about me in the "You were saying..." series. I was then asked to write a few articles for the Games site during the Open which led to the offer of the Head Writer position for the North Central Regional. I'd only been CrossFitting a few years. I was thrilled to accept the offer. And terrified.

At work, we had just built from the ground up a Box that is enviable by any one's standards. It was built to my husband and his business partner's specifications and may I say, it kicks ass. Not only do we have some of the finest coaches in Southern Missouri, but our facility is only surpassed in coolness by the incredible athletes that walk through its doors every day. That's not just your typical 'Box pride'.  On an unbiased level, SoMO is hard to beat. My heart beats faster when I open the big bay doors-I love it! Anyone would.

And on the home front, I had and still have a wonderful daughter who is smart, wicked funny and causes very little drama for a 12 year old girl. My husband, who is also hard to beat by any one's standards, tells me he loves me every day and that he is happy. And I know both are true. We laugh together and truly enjoy each other's company. I am more in love today than I was when I met him in 1991. It is everything a young girl would dream about when she imagines her life as a married woman and mother.

My cup was overflowing and all I could see was the ring it was making on the table.
I hated me. I felt like an impostor in my own life.

I had hit an emotional rock bottom. And it's stabby as fuck down there.

I felt unworthy of all my blessings.

Do I work hard at my job and love it passionately? Yes. Do I do the same with my marriage and family? With pleasure. I will give 100% to others but the problem was I wouldn't do the same for myself. And I fell deeper into the hole.

Did people know? Hell, no! Now, if I have a splinter, you will hear the heck out of it. But this? I just couldn't admit the full depths of my feelings to anyone. And I refuse to admit a weakness. I came across like a mountain of strength and positivity, but you could have blown my soul away like a leaf.

Thank God I didn't go full mental. I had reasoning and common sense. I knew what was the eye of the self-inflicted shit storm. Yes, self-inflicted. I was chipping away at myself. It was nutrition. The freaking base of the hierarchy of the athlete. The foundation of it all. I was not content on just ruining my body with poor nutrition. If you screw with it long enough, you can take down your mind, as well. I promise you that.

Do you know this picture?

It's a Coach Glassman original put out there at our Level 1 Certs and in a great Journal article from 2002. You locals may even recognise it from one of my nutrition lectures. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that I can counsel nutrition like a motherfather? Irony. But that base or foundation of nutrition is very much tied in with my mental state. It was crumbling. I felt terrified.

I can't not eat. I will die. I can't focus too much on it. I will go back to a terrible place in my life where that was all I did. I can't not focus on it. It's my job. So, I just ate as I wished. I ate myself into a terrible state. I not only polluted my body but my soul, as well. I was beginning to hate others for their happiness. Seething hate. I didn't know who I was looking at in the mirror. But I knew I hated her, too.

So, I says to myself, I says..."Self, WTF? Go to a nutrition program for CrossFitters. They will understand. They know you need fat-not fat-free foods. They know you need whole foods. Go to a group of strangers and tell them you need help. Who cares what a stranger thinks? Explain your past with eating. Explain that you hate yourself. Help yourself, dammit! And by all means, keep up a strong front at home and at the Box. People depend on you. You're letting everyone down by not taking care of yourself."

So, I found one. And there was a tightness in my chest that loosened a tiny bit. I was going to try it out. I felt some hope. Until one day I read on Facebook that they had, in my mind, disrespected my love-CrossFit. Now, I don't know if they resolved it but I can tell you that on that particular day, I went berserk. Shit house rat crazy. On the Internet. And I thank God for fate, friendship and community interceding that day.  Here is what happened...

As you may recall me saying, I'd lost my shit. Now, this is not typical. I joke and laugh. I support and care. I do not normally strip naked (emotionally) and streak through someones status update on Facebook. But, true to form, if I'm going to fuck up, I'm going to pr. So I did it on the page of one of my instructors from my Level 1 Cert. You know those guys. You go home from your Cert and friend them on Facebook. Then you brag that they are your friend on Facebook. You watch them compete at the Games. You refer to them by their first names and will probably never meet them again. You 'Like' their status updates, but you don't comment on them. Holy shit, creeper....Yeah, those folks. I did it there. BIG.

I was honest. I was raw and I truly didn't give a fuck. I felt like the rug was ripped out from under me. How was I going to get my mind and body under the same roof now? Damn them, this nutritional counseling group, for yanking away the rope that was going to pull me out of the pit I was in. If you know me and/or you think CrossFit is 'cultish', then you know I am a card carrying supporter. I beat the bass drum in the freaking parade. If you poop on my sport, I will not give you a dime. If you try to harm it or discredit the people, I will argue till I am blue in the face. And whether it was rational or not, this is how I felt that day. And I felt alone. Again. I felt like I would show up to write at Regionals and they would know I was an impostor. How would I interview our Games athletes without them thinking "Who the fuck is this? She doesn't look like she CrossFits. Does she even know what she is talking about? What was HQ thinking?"

So, while I am ranting like an unhinged crazy person about how I feel to VIRTUAL STRANGERS, three of them step in.

"We will help you."

Mother of God. I shut my laptop. Quickly. Like they could see me. What have I done?

I opened it back up. Crap. They were still there. Now, I don't know what you do when you see a crazy person. I slowly and quietly back out of the room. That's not what was happening here. With 2-3 post efficiency, they formulated a plan to contact me. Two of my Level 1 instructors and a writer from HQ worked up a plan.

"Boom! Done!" one of them wrote.

 Wow. It's worth repeating. Wow. Why did they even care? They really don't know me. Life would go on without my wiseacre cartoons, memes and status updates on Facebook. So, why? That day, fate put me there for a reason. I can only guess that they just love people and love their job like I do. I would walk through fire for my athletes-I love them. As soon as they walk through our doors, I love them. Maybe they feel that way about the athletes they guide, as well. Even if it is just for a weekend.

So, I allowed myself to admit my weaknesses to them. I didn't lie, which was hard. I was used to lying to myself on that subject. But it felt very good to tell the truth.

Now, I am not very religious, but I live in the buckle of the Bible belt. And I have heard of people talk about 'falling off the path' they knew so well. And as the 2 instructors spoke with me via email and phone, they reminded me of what I was taught at my Level 1. It was like hearing it for the first time-"I saw the nutritional light!" I'd seen the path to good health before. As I said, I even draw one heck of a map for everyone else on how to get there. But, I had never walked it in earnest-ever. I never felt like I was worth it. But if they were willing to believe in me, I was willing to try.

Where were all my friends and family? Here-really here. Like always. Could or would they have helped me? Yes! Would I have let them? Not then. I was afraid I would be a burden or I would be letting them down. Not so. I really sold them short by hiding the truth. Or saved them. I did tell my husband about my contact with the coaches, but I was vague about the deep hole I was in. It was just easier to deal with the phone calls and emails of my L1 instructors. I really didn't let them know the full depth of my feelings either.

I got to meet Glassman at Regionals and talk with him. I tried to explain what CrossFit meant to me and how I owed it so much-more than he will ever know, but couldn't really go into detail without crying. I really didn't want to do that, so I just said "I can't express right now how my life is changing." It didn't matter though. He just gave me a big hug and said "I understand. I really do." And although he does not know the details of my story, there was something in his eyes and nod that told me he did understand. I'm not the first and I won't be the last person who turns a lifetime of negative thinking around because of our sport. That's pretty amazing. I think he hears it a lot but it never gets old. He seems genuine like that. I know it made me want to work harder toward my goal of not letting myself down anymore.

When I asked if the new Goal Setting Seminar would be helpful, they said yes and encouraged me to go. It took a long time till I felt like I could. I didn't feel worthy to sit there. It never occurred to me to become Certified in my weakness. So I made sure by the time I went, I had put a lot of my negative self-talk behind me. I was able to list my goals without a lot of thought. Months of soul searching can do that to you. I'm like an addict-there is a comfort I take in putting myself down. I still do it, to a degree. Why can't I get under the bar, etc. But I am getting clean. And I have not abused my nutrition in 64 days. I feel really good.

At first so I would not let down others, and then myself-FINALLY :), I have changed my way of thinking about food and myself. Now I can love my family the way they deserve to be loved. I am not squandering the gift that was given to me from CrossFit and I am not disregarding the gift I have given myself. I do not write this to make others feel sorry for me or to be proud of me. I don't need either. I am proud of me. Hell, I freaking LOVE me! So, I write this for me. As I do all my blog entries. Because secrets are fucking heavy to carry around. And if it helps someone else, I'm happy. I can't be the only person who was afraid to acknowledge a weakness in fear of letting others down. Truth is, we only have to be strong for ourselves. Everyone around you will benefit from it. Just don't be afraid to accept help. Sometimes you know enough to try to pull yourself out of a hole. You just need someone to remind you to use a hook grip.