Lately, I have had a few folks ask me why I have not posted any Old School style Panties in a WOD blogs. "You've gone soft," they said.
"You would be an expert on that, I assume?"
That is my sassypants reply.
You see, I must get my panties in a wad in order to write an Old School post. I'm not softer; I'm more patient. Happier. Wiser.....
Fucker.
But since you asked and since I have time before my next WOD, here is a recent list of things that have caused me to practice restraint:
1. Please stop breaking the chalk in the buckets into powder.
Or, as my friend Rodney put it...
There will always be powder at the bottom. We promise you. Gently grasp the chalk and apply it to your hands. If you break if up, then we have to get another block. Because we are anal and routine driven people. You don't need to look like you were fisting the Pillsbury Dough boy to do a pull-up. Just a small amount will do. So please don't break up our chunks. There is tons of powder in that pail. Like, Scarface amounts of chalk. I call it Bitch Powder.
2. People who won't participate in the Open because they will not advance or beat their buddies.
Really? Well, to quote Gomer Pyle, "Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!" I didn't see this coming. Are you sure? Because I thought this was the year Rich Froning could bend over and be your wife.
I can't wait to hear your excuse for 2014. Because not wanting to subject yourself to the possibility of 7 minutes of burpees isn't working for me. You have a year to work on a better excuse. 3-2-1...GO!
3. People who can't even GUESS their 1-rep max within 5 pounds.
I mean, really. You should know these numbers. If you take pride in them, they should roll off your tongue like the lyrics to that Tone-Loc song you managed to commit and store in your memory bank. I'm the first one to tell you that you should enter the gym leaving yesterday's baggage behind. Every day is a new day. Today you are strong. Tomorrow, everything feels heavy. Every day is different. But you need to learn from the day before. Otherwise, we can't improve-get it?
Guess what? I may just make your day here. There is this thing called paper and color me Father Christmas, I will give you a piece to write this shit down. Or, you could use your spot on the whiteboard. Or write it on your arm in chalk till you can get to the notebook we gave you. For free. No wait, the chalk is all powder. Well, you're screwed. I guess then it's all my fault for not providing the block of chalk. FML. Speaking of....
4. It's not my fault.
Your day. The fact that your boss is being a dick. The fact that your other appointment went long and you had to do burpees because you were late for my class. Your pants feel wonky and your hair is in your eyes. That double unders make you pee. That you hate wallballs. The fact that you are tired and do not want to be here is not my fault. Unless I drove in my car, threw your body in, drove you back to the gym and Super Glued your MF hands in a hook grip onto the bar, it is not on my shoulders. So don't be pissed at me for believing in you and your ability to get one more rep. If I don't think you can get another rep then I will not encourage you to do so. I've coached several classes in the same WOD and done it myself before you walked through the door. And, I will not provide a second to that voice in your head that is telling you that you cannot do something. I am paid to push you and keep you safe. And to believe in you when you do not believe in yourself. Actually, that last service is free.
All these things grind my gears, as the great Peter Griffen would say.
So, there you go.
Old school rant.
The Open starts in a week, by the way. And the Masters Division just got a little spicier. I'll see you on the Leaderboard!
-n
