Emotional Condoms

We live in a time where "Dating Desperation" is at an all-time high.

All the apps, having someone to spend the evening with so that we can post pics of our plates and drinks, selfie and tag.

And keep at an arm's distance, emotionally.

Because perception has become more important than the connection.

To most of us. 

But to those who are actually looking for someone to cultivate a life with, it sucks.

And we're all sharing the same space.

I think it makes us settle. 

I don't like to settle.

I like to win.

(Shocker)

After ending 24 years of marriage, I haven't been shy about putting myself out there. I trust easily and I am easily trusted which is part of my charm and my eventual demise in all things men. 

I am a full-time parent.

 I was messaging with a guy and he was like, "WYD?" 

"Hanging out with my daughter."

"What are you doing after that?"

Dude...there IS no after that. I'm her mom. 

My daughter is gone for 42 hours, every two weeks. 

42 hours. 

5 pm on Friday till 11am on Sunday.

Do you know how hard it is to cultivate a relationship with someone with so little time?

It is impossible.

It sucks, actually.

Or, try keeping them engaged for 2 weeks until you can go out and have a date where you lose track of time talking because you truly enjoy each other's company? 

I don't normally have that luxury.

That time we all loved in college when we had few responsibilities.

Late night talks at Denny's and parks.

Talks on our crappy hand-me-down couches in our 1st apartments.

That kind of time.

The stuff that cultivates beginnings.

I love that stuff.

The attention span of today's dating pool is mosquito level, at best. Because there are tons of other women who are readily available to go out and do things more quickly than I am.

Sure, I go to lunches and dinners. And movies with guys. Out for drinks. But, I can't invite them in to just hang out and talk. All those things that happen in a natural progression of a relationship. All that good, face to face stuff. Hanging out. Making dinner. Listening to music. Watching movies. 

I have a roommate. She is a high school senior and ALWAYS home. 

My sweet little home which I love but has zero privacy to talk to other adults. 

 And, because people have the retention and attention span of gnats, I am not inviting anyone in to talk during my 42 hours because at that point, they're new to me and I'm not that stupid.

Also, before you get your all-knowing panties in a wad over what I just said, let's clear up an important point:

  I am honored to be a mom and I am a damn good one so don't think I feel inconvenienced or otherwise. I wouldn't change my life right now. If I need to choose one way or the other, I choose this.

Venting is human.

But back to the subject at hand---the dreaded "catching feelings".

This is where most men and women seem to linger now. They want to date regularly, play house, text good morning and good night. 

But they don't want commitment.

And they're upfront about it.

They wear an emotional condom. So they can enjoy life but not contract feelings.
I don't wear one. Stifles the sensitivity. 

My question is why?

What is it that makes people want to stifle the natural progression of nature?

Is it to keep all of their options open for later while concurrently being satisfied in the present? 

(By the way, that is a huge F you to anyone you're dating regularly. You might just be a dick. Know thyself.)

Is it to protect yourself because you've been hurt?

I want to know.

 Because all things go back to Star Wars and other geeky movies like Jurassic Park, I think about how Jeff Goldblum's character, the fantastic Dr. Ian Malcolm lectures the dangers of disrupting nature. We foolishly think that we are in charge. 

Note, foolishly. 

And while we cannot avoid the disruptions or even change them, we never remember that "Life finds a way."

Nature is one bad ass MF.

We will adapt to a new normal. 

The question is, will this cause destruction or improve society?

While I am forever in search for the man who wants to be monogamous and eat grilled cheese sandwiches with me in my kitchen at 2am while watching Empire Strikes Back, I am like everyone else, adapting.

But I still want to know why?

Why are people so desperate to connect with others and yet they don't want to "catch feelings"?

A term that has launched a thousand memes.

What is your theory?

Are we screwed?

Am I a dinosaur? Thrust into a world in which I am found fascinating and yet simultaneously, I don't feel like I belong? In the wrong era?

Thoughts? There are no wrong ones and I welcome yours.

That's What She Said

• “There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things, isn’t that kind of the point?”

Nothing in my life feels ordinary.

Do we all go through life pretending to be brave? Like nothing bothers us? 

Just so no one pities us. So that we can be alone and not have to answer questions about our well-being?

To go into the woods and lick our wounds or die in peace like the animals we are?

Do we all do that or is it just me?

On what was going to be an awful 1st, a friend recommended that I watch The Office.

My daughter was gone for the 1st holiday since my divorce and I was spending Thanksgiving alone. 

I was invited to eat with friends but as I stated above, it was a situation in which I preferred my own company. I went to the community workout at CFR and headed home, logged into Netflix and started the series. When my daughter got home that Saturday, I was into Season 3.

“Sometimes I’ll start a sentence, and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.”

Last night, I finished the series. 195 days later. And so much has happened. 

In a time of great inconsistencies, The Office was stability. It wasn't going anywhere. 

My 1st Christmas as a single mom, my daughter gave me a Dundie and awarded me The Hottest In The Office award. We binged The Office together. She texted me this because a 17-year old will text you while sitting in the same room as you:

It was a perfect day. 

I thought it would be awful. It turned out to be the happiest Christmas I've had in many years.

Cotton had an ad campaign years back and the slogan was, "The Fabric of Our Lives."

As I watched this series, I couldn't help but notice how true that was in regard to The Office and so many people. It is woven into the lives of so many of us.

"I get home from work and watch The Office."

"The Office is on in the background every night."

"Want to come over and watch The Office?"

Every single person who I connect with connects with this show on a different level.

It's like, family.

A not so secret society.

The Office has hung with me these last 195 days. It kept me company through my 1st bout with the flu when I had no one to buy me crackers and check on me.

It celebrated with me when I fell in love the 1st time and stayed with me when my heart was broken.

I hate to sleep alone. Hate it. So, it kept me company all of those late nights.

The last 6 weeks, almost every Friday and Saturday night, I've hung out with the paper pushers from Dunder Mifflin. I wasn't ready for the series to end.

I could list a hundred events and times that The Office has seen me thru over the last few months. It has been my friend when I didn't feel like I had one. Someone to laugh with when I needed it. Noise in the background so the silence doesn't suffocate me. 

 I rationed out the last season.

 I felt like I couldn't deal with another thing being taken from my life. I didn't want it to be over. 

But all things end.

Who would've thought that a show about a bunch of ordinary people selling paper in Scranton would hit me so hard in the feels?

Or that it would give so much back to me?

I asked a friend, "Well, what do I do now?"

He said, "You start over."

You start over.

If he only knew the double-meaning in what he said. Or maybe he does but in a different way that is relevant to him?

It seems like we all watch The Office because we need to. It fills something in our souls. It makes us feel connected or connects us to others who just "get it'.

The Nard Dog left us with a great thought:

“I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days, before you’ve actually left them.”

Maybe, that's now. 

If it isn't, we just start over.

Like This Blog Post- No Hashtag

I often wonder if I am too optimistic or just naive? I mean, I state what is written above too often for myself to ignore and yet, I am the eternal Sunshine Pumper.

Why? How?

 At this point, I should be a bit jaded. But, I'm not. And that perplexes me beyond what I can properly express. 

(So, yes Nicole. Blog about it. Because if you can't express it mentally or verbally, by ALL means, throw that ball of confusion out there.)

Does anyone else feel like they are in a perpetual state of befuddlement regarding this life? Because from what I have observed, the written rules don't govern the state.

I feel (and argue with me if you think I am wrong) that a shift has occurred in the last 5 to 10 years. I see, on a larger scale, repugnance being celebrated on a global level.

Shitty people getting famous for shitty behavior. 

True art and music being thrown aside because of surface level judgment and looks being celebrated before talent. 

We are making fools famous.

We.

Us.

Me. 

You.

Let's go closer to home:

Since we aren't all friends with rock stars and Academy Award winners (for fuck's sake, please stop calling them by their 1st names like you are catching the new Deadpool with them later this week), let's address this:

 Really nice people with 12 Likes on a status that is REAL AF and 200 on some bull statement pic with pursed lips and a peace sign.  

We are doing the exact same thing but on a more tangible level and that stuff effects our lives.

Truly.

We interact with these people that we make Internet Famous on some strange local level.

We like stuff that we KNOW is total BS. Don't deny being human. You do it. I do it. You like and I like because we WANT to BE liked.

We know that someone is a freaking creep-common knowledge stuff-but we gush over their "Couple Status", like the pic and then gossip about what a POS they are to their partner to someone else. 

We keep friends on social media who we wouldn't call Friend IRL.

We creep.

(Nicole, I don't...

LIAR! 

We all do. 

Settle down and admit it, silently. 

I'll wait.

There you go.)

We skew reality and then wonder why good things happen to shitty people.

WE do it. This is really on us.

Bummer...

We make people think that value is on aesthetics. On who is the saucier and sassier poster. Who has the IDGAF filterless page that generates the most clicks?  

I can post a pic of what music I listen to or what I am reading but the response is minimal. 

(This is my brain.)

I can post a pic of myself and if the cosmic consensus is that I look hot, the response is 2 scoops of Heavy Likes with creepy fucking sprinkles.

(Those are my boobs.)

And then we sit at home and ask ourselves, "What is right?"

At this point, how ARE we supposed to know?

I have friends, good friends who are single. We get together and commiserate over beer and coffee on why?

Intelligent and attractive friends who have the confidence of the nerd in a coming of age movie, pre-makeover montage. Wondering what the actual fuck is going wrong? 

I wonder the same thing.

Why?

 Why do good people with kind hearts, brains, who are financially stable and treat others well find themselves alone at night, scrolling thru Insta and FB, lonely, looking at posts and pics of people who are living lives that we know are BS. And WHY are we propelling this perception by providing affirmation to what we KNOW is their BS? 

(Yes, I get that there are real "relationship goals" and "squad goals" out there. There IS truth and beauty. 

Like that shit. Always.

I'm a Sunshine Pumper, remember? So, stop.)

My question is this: when do we reclaim reality? And how? The power of social media and perception is bigger than us now. It elects powers that be. It is The Spice. It writes the script and suddenly our lives are like reality TV. We know things are scripted. We act like it isn't when it makes us happy but complain that it is when we're unhappy. And while logic tells us what we want and what is right, we question it.

We question what we KNOW is right because it doesn't provide instant affirmation.

Damn it.

I love the instant stuff.

So, how do we make this better?

 I am asking you because I truly don't know.

I will wake up tomorrow. I will pump sunshine and post selfies and like things online. This is life. 

But I will also talk to people IRL. Smile at strangers just because I want them to feel happy too. Give hugs. Make my classes listen to my music and I will follow my gut instincts. I will stay unapologetically me although that gets me in trouble on the daily.

But I have no idea what is going on.

I'm sleeping with Lando Calrissian

I'm a bed maker.

I make my bed every day.

One, it is so adult. I walk into the room and I feel like a grown-up. 

Two, I hate seeing this:

 Hate it.

Why does it feel so bad to sleep alone?

Some people relish it. 

When I was married, my ex-husband would come to bed hours after me. He didn't touch me-not a cuddler-so I am not reminiscing about something that I miss. 

Actually, I loved it when he was NOT in our bed as I was trying to fall asleep. He snored. If I was already asleep, his snoring wouldn't wake me up. Much.

No, I think the visual of it just FEELS so fucking bad that I make my bed.

There are nights like tonight that I sit at home, my teenager is out until curfew.

HGTV is on and you feel more alone than you ever knew possible.

(Let's be real though...I am watching Empire Strikes Back)

Men send you "What's up, beautiful?" messages and it makes you want to cry because they don't see you for you. And they send you or say things that they would NEVER say in person. And you block another guy that you thought might be nice and hate the world.

And you feel angry because you don't like to be alone. And you wonder if that is good or bad? And if this will be forever?

Being in a relationship is like having a buffer or a filter for your thoughts and soul. Someone else for your energy to bounce back off of like a game of Pong.

I have really good and happy energy that just shoots out into nowhere. Nothing bounces back to recharge me. And I hit empty. Especially at night.

Before you tell me prayer is the answer, understand that I pray daily. Prayers of gratitude. 

God isn't a genie. And we're good.

 But, we are meant to co-exist.

I need to work on being alone. 

But I hate it as much as I hate that picture. 

Why? I think we are so wrapped up in instant gratification. Likes.

Friends and followers.

Affirmation from strangers.

Affirmation feels good. 

It makes good people stray-whether that be cheating or taking time away from your relationships with friends, spouses, family. It makes us feel like we have nothing when we have more than enough. We lose perception of moderation for all things.

Everyone is eating copious amounts of donuts, bacon, drinking. without repercussion, right? 

Wrong. 

We know better. But, we let ourselves think otherwise.

Just for a moment.

 And it makes us feel alone.

Probably because, in a way, we are.

I am thinking clinically but I am also open enough to admit that I recently ended a relationship. And I didn't want to do it. Although it was the best choice for me, it makes me sad daily. He is amazing and I miss him. Good choices can feel really awful sometimes. Truly awful.

But, what has made us get to this point? Is it social media? Or is it something else? Why do we care so much about perception? And why do we miscommunicate who we are to the world?

I would rather be honest and state that being alone sucks. Sleeping alone sucks. Nights alone when you don't want to be alone SUCK. But they can feel like they suck more because our perception is that everyone else is doing well.

They're not.

We all question those couples who can't make it thru life without posting every move they make. What are they trying to prove to themselves? 

Documenting events, kids, fun stuff...that is different. But, I don't need to explain that to you. But those other people? Ugh...We all know people like this.  I always imagine their nights as lonelier than mine. 

Why?

Sleeping alone is lonely but sleeping next to someone who doesn't value your soul is lonelier. 

So, Han Solo is the only guy in my life tonight. 

Or Lando. 

Yeah, Lando Calrissian!!

So much Lando!

Not Luke. 

Never Luke. 

He's a chocho.

Yeah, I said it.

and watch this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzDPbrrTQys

Otis! My man!

I want points for keeping my sense of humor over the past year.

Here I sit on a rainy Monday morning, drinking coffee and listening to Otis Redding. My house is clean, I am alone and wearing my sweats that would be a deal-breaker to any man who wanted me for my looks. Total comfort.

I am reflecting on my weekend which sends me down the memory rabbit hole of the last few months. Dating for the 1st time in 27 years and phasing off my antidepressants at the same time. Bold move, right? 

That's how I DO!

And, I was ready to do both.

My dating app experience is a WHOLE other post but last night I deleted the apps from my phone. 

Tinder and Bumble are like a literal tsunami of dick. Crude, yes. But that is the best description I can come up with. You put up a profile and then it is like a summer adventure flick. You are standing on the shoreline, enjoying the view and then suddenly, the tide recedes.  Hmmm...that isn't normal? Then, this ominous feeling of dread comes over you-cue the music-and in the horizon, you see it. You don't run, initially. You stand there and just stare. Then instinct says to turn and run and you do. Over your shoulder, a giant wave of weiners.

There is beauty in the ocean. You want to be at the beach. You just don't want to drown in the water.

That was dating apps for me.

The only positive I pulled from them besides from life experience is Jose, who I text with now as I write this entry. He is a chef and restaurant owner. We laugh about how Tinder is kin to a public toilet. Used in what is perceived desperation but MAYBE I could've waited till I got home? He likes brussel sprouts as much as I do. We've never met. He is just a gentleman and a gentle man who is easy to talk to. 

I had a great conversation with a woman in the bathroom at Finnigan's Wake. Girls out for drinks do this. She said the best thing and it really connected with me. She described talking to a man before she married and how it went well over text but in person...nothin'. She realized that she could lead a conversation thru text so that it plays to her level of wit and intelligence. Really, she was courting herself. Of course, it was attractive! That is the perfect description of what is going on in my life and why I can't use these apps.

I meet someone online. He seems witty. Intelligent. I like his face (stupid apps. And I am offended that they like me for my looks?) We graduate from messaging to text. Then, the phone call. I get super pleased because I am hoping that I am going to meet someone that is culturally and intellectually and morally my equal. And I am not above anyone else. NOT AT ALL. I just need to be compatible on that level.  We meet and by date 2, usually...ugh. 

And it makes you wonder? Am I too critical or are these guys just weird?

My No List:

1. Negativity-self-explanatory. I am a sunshine pumper. I don't want someone who complains about the little things. Life is good. Settle down.

2. Dat Ex-can you leave her at home? Or, better yet. Don't date until she is out of your life as a remote possibility? 3 times was enough for me. Get your lives together and just go back to her. 

3. I am a real person-Like me for what is between my ears, not for my looks. I get that is why we swipe right initially but come on. Brainzzzz.

4. No cultural quick wit endurance-is that even a thing? If it wasn't, it is now. I want someone who can keep up. I want to tell someone that I just saw The Crucible and have him say, "Arthur Miller is the shit!" And then he texts me this meme within 2 min.

5. No Big Boy Palate-Be man enough to drink wine and love great food. But still hit the cold 2am pizza over the sink or stand in my kitchen and plow a bowl of cereal.

Oh, and I want him to have a beard. Also, must love animals and Star Wars.

Where is he? 😜

Quick answer...not on dating apps. They take you across the cultural and intellectual border. I don't have a passport. They allow us to create an illusion. Isn't life confusing enough without smoke and mirrors? 

I am going back to meeting guys the old-fashioned way. With me being awkward AF. 

Until then, I have coffee, CrossFit, texts with Jose, my friends

 and my man Otis in the background with rain on my roof.

Pillows and Prozac

"Why don't you write that funny blog anymore?"

Well, damn.

I wouldn't even know where to begin. I mean, literally. I wouldn't know what to start with if I did.

So much has happened.

I was threatened by a reader. I had to get a lawyer.

I became an NPC bikini competitor. 

2017 kicked my now well-defined booty while some millennial Snapped it. Not really, but jeez.

My husband left me and I lost my sense of reality. 

I moved to a new city.

They canceled Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders.

Wait? Hold up. What?

Yeah.

It is a strange sensation. To lose all sense of reality and yet be aware that you ARE LOSING ALL SENSE OF REALITY.

Fun side note; your hair falls out too. Shout out to my stylist, Nicole Watson for adding a shit ton of extensions until those fell out too. You're my hero.

He wasn't happy. I didn't know this. Apparently, he did. I was happy but it takes two. I loved him. He isn't sure if he ever loved me. So, he left.

I can actually pinpoint the day that I knew I had lost my crackers. I was late for work and I turned around and went back home to move two pillows on the bed. I had put the Darth Vader pillow on my side and the Storm Trooper on his. Not that he slept there. But the week before we had a good day and that is where the pillows were on THAT day and if they weren't there today, it would 

All.

Fall.

Apart.

. So, I turned my car around and changed them. And I drove to work.

WAIT! 

Forget that. I'm the Vader. I'm in charge. The universe would see the pillows and know that I was going to cave...again...like I always do. 

GO BACK AND SWITCH THE PILLOWS!

And, I did.

And, I drove to work. 

Again.

I had the worst class. I felt antsy. 

Where was my husband? What if he went home because I wasn't there and saw the pillows?

Ladies, men don't notice pillows. They notice HOW many pillows they have to throw on the floor at night when they get in bed but they don't notice pillow placement. Know this.

I need to get home and change those pillows around! THIS IS THE LONGEST HOUR EVER!!!!

I gunned the yellow light. I made it home. 

The mail was on the kitchen island. 

He had come home to check the mail because I wasn't there. 

that's the worst feeling

He had been in the bedroom to collect more gym clothes. 

Damn it...

And, I sat on the couch and cried from 1:30-6. And thought about absolutely nothing and everything.

Somewhere in there, he stopped by. He sat on the hearth. He left angry.

I pulled my act together and made dinner. I picked up our daughter from practice. He came home and we pretended that everything was fine until she went to bed. Sometimes, we would argue in the basement. 

Then, he'd leave. 

And I would stay awake.

Turned up to 11. 

And I repeated this every day for...I don't even know.

Every.

Day.

We went to counseling. I went to counseling. I got on Prozac. I got strong enough to brush my hair again. 

My marriage didn't make it.

And now, I am divorced. 

We are divorced. Holy shit.

But, he is my friend now.

I have a home, my hair and I've dated a string of unavailable but very attractive men who are WAY too young for me. 

I won't lie. That was fun. 

Except when it wasn't. 

There are parts that I want to forget. And can't.

 That sucks.

But, I sleep now. That is new. I am forever thankful to the friend who helped me in that regard.

I have a kick-ass Millennium Falcon tattoo.

I love my job.

But, what do I do now? Where do I go from here? I really don't know. Life is good. And frightening. And exciting. And frightening. Every day.

But, it IS time to acknowledge to you why I don't write my funny blog anymore. 

Thanks for asking.

And why I will start writing again. 

I will. 

I promise.

And, yes. It will be hilarious.

Stay tuned...

-Nicole

We've all been a little Grimey at times.

I love the Simpsons.

 

This is one of my favorite episodes.

Homer has a new co-worker named Frank Grimes. Much to Frank's dismay, Homer refers to him as Grimey.

He hates that.

Everyone loves Homer. Grimey doesn't get why. Grimey feels that is unfair.

 

Grimey becomes obsessed with Homer and his personal success. He doesn't understand how Homer has managed to go to the moon, meet presidents and live in a 2 story home because Homer is generally a screw-up. Grimey lives paycheck to paycheck in a small walk-up apartment. Grimey lives his life by the book. Homer is socially illiterate.

 

Grimey becomes obsessed with pointing out Homer's bumbles and eventually goes off the deep end.

Had Grimey just focused on himself, he could have soared. Instead, he plummets.

 

In our training, we have all had our moments where we have been a little like Grimey.

 

You may know someone who eats poorly but beats you in every cardio WOD. It doesn't seem fair. You are diligent with your diet.

 

Perhaps they just have a natural talent that has made a skill that you struggle with come to them easier. Like the 2nd time they try it. And you've been on a program for a year. AUGH!

 

Remember that success is found within yourself.

Inspiration is found with admiration, not bitterness.

Spite is a weight that only you carry. The barbell is heavy enough.

The skills are hard enough.

Choose to soar.

Don't focus on who is deserving in your eyes.

Choose to focus on you.

You deserve to put yourself first.

Celebrate you.

 

Don't be a Grimey.