I'm a bed maker.
I make my bed every day.
One, it is so adult. I walk into the room and I feel like a grown-up.
Two, I hate seeing this:
Hate it.
Why does it feel so bad to sleep alone?
Some people relish it.
When I was married, my ex-husband would come to bed hours after me. He didn't touch me-not a cuddler-so I am not reminiscing about something that I miss.
Actually, I loved it when he was NOT in our bed as I was trying to fall asleep. He snored. If I was already asleep, his snoring wouldn't wake me up. Much.
No, I think the visual of it just FEELS so fucking bad that I make my bed.
There are nights like tonight that I sit at home, my teenager is out until curfew.
HGTV is on and you feel more alone than you ever knew possible.
(Let's be real though...I am watching Empire Strikes Back)
Men send you "What's up, beautiful?" messages and it makes you want to cry because they don't see you for you. And they send you or say things that they would NEVER say in person. And you block another guy that you thought might be nice and hate the world.
And you feel angry because you don't like to be alone. And you wonder if that is good or bad? And if this will be forever?
Being in a relationship is like having a buffer or a filter for your thoughts and soul. Someone else for your energy to bounce back off of like a game of Pong.
I have really good and happy energy that just shoots out into nowhere. Nothing bounces back to recharge me. And I hit empty. Especially at night.
Before you tell me prayer is the answer, understand that I pray daily. Prayers of gratitude.
God isn't a genie. And we're good.
But, we are meant to co-exist.
I need to work on being alone.
But I hate it as much as I hate that picture.
Why? I think we are so wrapped up in instant gratification. Likes.
Friends and followers.
Affirmation from strangers.
Affirmation feels good.
It makes good people stray-whether that be cheating or taking time away from your relationships with friends, spouses, family. It makes us feel like we have nothing when we have more than enough. We lose perception of moderation for all things.
Everyone is eating copious amounts of donuts, bacon, drinking. without repercussion, right?
Wrong.
We know better. But, we let ourselves think otherwise.
Just for a moment.
And it makes us feel alone.
Probably because, in a way, we are.
I am thinking clinically but I am also open enough to admit that I recently ended a relationship. And I didn't want to do it. Although it was the best choice for me, it makes me sad daily. He is amazing and I miss him. Good choices can feel really awful sometimes. Truly awful.
But, what has made us get to this point? Is it social media? Or is it something else? Why do we care so much about perception? And why do we miscommunicate who we are to the world?
I would rather be honest and state that being alone sucks. Sleeping alone sucks. Nights alone when you don't want to be alone SUCK. But they can feel like they suck more because our perception is that everyone else is doing well.
They're not.
We all question those couples who can't make it thru life without posting every move they make. What are they trying to prove to themselves?
Documenting events, kids, fun stuff...that is different. But, I don't need to explain that to you. But those other people? Ugh...We all know people like this. I always imagine their nights as lonelier than mine.
Why?
Sleeping alone is lonely but sleeping next to someone who doesn't value your soul is lonelier.
So, Han Solo is the only guy in my life tonight.
Or Lando.
Yeah, Lando Calrissian!!
So much Lando!
Not Luke.
Never Luke.
He's a chocho.
Yeah, I said it.
and watch this:
HA! You are funny AND insightful! Wish I knew you better.
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