May I comment on your comment?

This blog is not safe for work or for people who feel strongly about enabling bullshit.  You've been warned...


Forgive me, but I love pissed off people and their comments on the Internet.  Here is a fantasy of mine...Mainsite posts a nipple or absurdly elite man bulge.  Pop some corn, kids!  I could read this verbal diarrhea all night.  Actually, I don't want any forgiveness for that-I like what I like and I like mental junk food. 

It's because people are so damn sensitive.  I thought this shirt was funny.

But then I'm sure there is some uptight group out there with a website called Curing, Understanding and Nurturing Tourettes Sufferers.org  and they have some sort of web petition against the people who sell it.  Yes, I just insulted people with tourettes a second time with my fictitious website name. 

Offended yet?  I take comments, too.  And on a side note, I can pretty much guarantee that I do NOT have tourettes, but if I did, that shirt would be in my wardrobe.

I recently read this blog entry and loved it.  I also ate up the comments like they were crispy bacon.

http://beastmodaldomains.com/2011/11/09/fat-acceptance-is-unacceptable/

Do I like to stir the poop pot?  No.  This is the Internet!  There are too many nut jobs out there who are up to their elbows in it.  I can just sit back and watch my 'stories' with minimal effort.  And certain subjects really get people going.  Like diseases that are really social disorders or lack of discipline-that one pisses me off.   Cancer is a terrible disease.  Porn enthusiasts are not diseased addicts who need your sympathy.  They are horny people with mad computer skills.  Then, we have sex, politics and religion.  Kids, abuse and money.  That's the big 7. 

So, I'll make one big comment here because the reality is I will either "Like" or "Share" an article or post.  And to that, I will add one sentence.  Maybe add a happy face, as my communicating skills can often mimic a 15 year old girl.

So here we go-

I think if your kid is obese, it is YOUR stinking fault.  Not DNA.  Not bad genes.  Not society and not the school cafeteria.   You.  Man or Mom the fuck up and accept that.  You buy the food.  You provide food in your home.  You give your kid money.  You pack the lunches and you should have the stones to say "No." to craptacular choices that your kid might make in a restaurant.  Let me repeat that.  "No."  It's a fucking kid.  You are in charge.  Period.  If you are afraid your kid will end up in counseling or hate you because you didn't let him have a Large Blizzard instead of a small one, you've dropped the ball.  I mean, really.  You are fucked already.   It's OK if they hate you every once in a while.  Kids hate people for petty reasons and get over it quick.  Why?  They are kids.  Let me repeat the word.  "No."  No explanation necessary.  Going out to eat is a treat at my house.  That is when I let my kid eat what she wants.  Otherwise, her lunches and meals are planned by me or my husband.  Or, we let her choose from whatever we have in the house.  They are portion appropriate and stuff she loves.  We always end up throwing away her holiday candy because it grows old and nasty.  Except for the peanut butter cups.  We steal those when she is sleeping because they are freaking delicious.  But, it is in her room and she can hoard it or eat it or make crafts out of it whenever she wants.  We don't dip it in metaphorical gold and hold it over her head like a damn dog treat.  It's her candy.  She just doesn't give a big hoot about it, one way or another.  She also hates soda.  I don't buy it and she never developed a taste for it.  You develop a taste and a sense for healthy foods and portions just like you can develop a taste for fatty crap.  It's up to us.  There it is. Black and white.  You don't have a disease or a mental disorder.  Your kid does not have a disease.  You just don't have a spine.  And, you are afraid of a 5 year old.  Grow up Meow, say you were wrong and fix it.   If you don't agree with me, then enjoy your front row seat for Type 2 diabetes. 

"I don't have the time or money to exercise." 

Last time you checked, was there a door in the room you are sitting in?  Walk out the door.  A little farther.  A little farther.  You can run thru that door and keep going.  Or lunge. If there is no door-seriously, where are you?-do sit-ups.   Drink some water after that.  It is also free and is the best sports drink out there.  "But, I don't like the taste of water."  It has no taste.  It's water, you knob.

Or, do these.  They are free.  They are called burpees.  I hate them.  I still do them.  You don't need to use the rings.  Try 20 for time.  Then, add more and beat your time.  Work up to 100.  Then, beat your time again.  They suck.  Embrace the suck.

 

Use the DVR-I know you made room in your budget for satellite TV- and shoot your ass into the world.  There are like three women in this world who are admired for their big booty.  So unless you are J Lo, Kim Kardashian or can squat a ton of weight, your ass is just fat.  Sorry.  Borrow a jogging stroller from a friend.  Exercise during your lunch break.  Use the Internet-I know you have access to that.  Go to http://www.crossfit.com/   It is free.  Lose and hour of sleep (gasp.) and wake up early to exercise.  Or, you know, die early.  Whatever.  I don't care.  I just pr'd my back squat, eat bacon almost daily and my cholesterol is pristine.

Other rules of thumb on the hot topics listed above:  Don't have sex, sext or take sexual photos and videos with anyone but your partner.  Don't leave them lying around, amateur porn star.  If you are famous-just don't.  Seriously.  I'm going to see it someday.  And, knowing your real "O" face ruins the movie for me.  Ditto if you are thinking of ever running for office.  Please spare me from having Matt Lauer tell me that you 'did' a campaign volunteer in a Church's Chicken parking lot.

And, religion.  Stop telling others that they are going to hell or that their beliefs are wrong in the eyes of  God and others.  Not your call.  If God wanted referees, then the Pope would be wearing stripes.

And keep those comments coming! 

This video was sent to me.  I thought it was funny.

R.U.R.X?

#1

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

or...

#2

Both #1 and #2 say the same thing.  I just like to cover my bases when trying to communicate a point.

Look, I don't ask anyone to address something within them that I am not investigating within myself.  Remember your first unassisted pull up?  I'll be frank, the split second after I got mine, I thought "Oh fuck, did anyone see that?"  Because, everything changes after that point.  People expect shit from you.  If your smart, you expect more from yourself, as well.

I compare it to the pressure of finding your 1st rx'd Fran time.  I feel as relaxed with establishing my rx'd Fran time as I do with explosive diarrhea in a crowded public restroom.  Really. 

So, when you are straddling the line between rx and scaled, what do you choose?  I always try to side with intensity.  The rest will come in time.  Unless, it is one of those WODs where you just have to suck it up.

Even if this happens:

or this:

                                                                            or this:

and this:



But, what if it isn't?  What route do YOU take?

Do you do the rx'd weight, because you can, even if you're slow as balls*

*Slow as balls:

Very slow. Refers to the snail's pace at which the testicles are retracted upward into the groin area when exposed to cool temperatures.

"Dude, your Rx'd Grace is as slow as balls.  Grow a pair and scale it!"

Low ball it so your time is 'wicked awesome'....

"Yeah, I used the lowest weight.  You probably didn't notice because I had already ripped out my reps and left while you were on round 3.  I posted my time to the site and Facebook.  Be sure to "like" it."

Or pay attention to your Coaches.  They will give you the correct weight.  Unless they're like these proud parents at a little league game:

A Wodkilla shirt and a piece of paper does not constitute a CrossFit Coach.

With all the awesome competitions going on, it will be interesting to see who is competing scaled and who is going rx'd.  Both are great places to be!  What sucks is when firebreathers stack the deck and place themselves on the scaled team or scaled athletes with big heads decide that they are suddenly rx'd.  The fellas might call that "a real big kick in the franks and beans."  I call it borderline cheating or stupidity.  Either way, it's pretty lame and takes the fun out of the competitions.   I'm personally a scaled athlete with a few rx'd skills in my pocket-not enough to tip the scale and place me on a rx'd team, but enough strength and knowledge of range of motion to compete well as a scaled athlete.

Whether scaled or rx'd, do your best.  Play hard and play fair! 

Unbroken

"Lighten up, Francis."
Sometimes, I think that we forget what to take seriously, and what to just blow off.  Our attitude can rub off on everyone with whom we have an interaction.  Whether it's a hard-ass attitude, a lazy attitude or a positive one. 
You know those WODs where you have a lot of reps and you would like to try to go unbroken?  And, you are working out with a buddy?  And, your buddy drops the bar and you are hitting a freaking wall.  You could do more.  She/he could have done more.  BUT, she/he dropped.  Then, as if it granted you a golden permission slip signed by Glassman, you drop the bar and get a rest, as well.  You both COULD have done more, but you didn't.  And, even though you both pick up the bar and finish the WOD, you know it happened.  Has this EVER happened to you?  I've been on both sides of this one.  And, when I am the 1st to drop because I feel sorry for myself/tired/not "into it" etc. and I think it may have caused a chain reaction, I feel even worse.  That's in the gym.  What about in life?

If I leave my gym clothes on the floor, dishes in the living room, opt for a less-healthy meal or not be enthusiastic and positive, what effect will it have on the people I care about?  Will they, in turn, leave their crap sitting around the house, eat food from crinkly wrappers and be depressed?  I don't know.  What if it did?  I DO know that I would, in turn, be pissed because I would have to clean up their mess while wearing my imaginary, yet very heavy, Queen of All That Is Right crown.  And then, I just may eat a cupcake and go on a Lulu binge.  I know.  "Lighten up, Francis."   So, I TRY not to drop the bar in life until I simply cannot physically or mentally do any more.  I try. 

Sometimes, it is easier for us to do something for others than to do something for ourselves.  It is always best to "secure your mask before assisting others", but if this is how you roll, then try to be stronger, more positive, healthier or not a fucktard in general, for those around you.

BTW, I've been married 17 years this Friday.  If I compare our marriage to a WOD, we have never "dropped the bar" in regards to our commitment and our vows.  Whatever it took, whenever we felt too weary or angry or apathetic-whatever, marriage has too many emotions to list- to go unbroken, somewhere from inside ourselves, we found the strength to push ourselves through.  And that strength inspired the other one to keep going.  When I am down, he helps me up and when he can't go another step, I show him that together we can go unbroken.  Shouldn't life be like that?  I feel blessed everyday. 

Today, inside and outside of the Box, I'm going to try to not drop the bar.  And maybe, by being stronger, the people around me will be stronger and happier, as well. 

That Touch of Luon: Or, how I became a CrossFit clothes wh*re.

I'm pretty thrifty.  In fact, one of my friends always used to tease me about a shopping trip

we went on years ago.  I was holding up a shirt and said "I like it.  But, I don't like it for 20 dollars."  That's as honest as I can be and described my shopping to a tee.  Marshalls, Gordman's, TJMaxx, Ebay.....I want nice things-at cost.  Then, I started to CrossFit.

I started like anyone else.  Just too plain tired to really give a shit what I was wearing.  Crappy t-shirts became 'gym clothes' before they hit the garage sale pile.  I also didn't focus a lot of attention on my hair and make-up prior to going to the gym.  This hasn't changed.  'Gym Nicole' looks like my strung out twin sister who may or may not ask you for a dollar.  Then I watched the 2010 CrossFit Games.....

These ladies didn't look like very fit, strong homeless women.  Their outfits were......cute.  Coordinated.  Not old maternity shirts with baby food stains.  Did these things exist?  I looked for that Nike swoop-did anyone else make work-out clothes?  These were world class athletes and they weren't just "Doing it".  THEN, I spotted the Omega.  It was tiny and on all the shorts, tanks and bras.  A tiny silver beacon, beckoning my name...

To Google!  It must be a nod to these nut jobs and their love of Omega-3/fish oils.  Wow.  That's dedication.  But no.....and I gave up my search. 

Fast forward to the 2010 HOA Challenge.  I'm seeing the omega everywhere, so I ask this chick in a BEAUTIFUL hoodie "Hey, what is the brand that you are wearing?  I'm seeing it everywhere today." 

"Lululemon."

Lululemon.  It just sounds wonderful, doesn't it?

"Do they sell it around here?"

"Sure.  There is a store at Plaza Frontenac and they are online."

So, I looked online.  And, that Christmas, my wonderful, supportive crossfitter husband gave me some Lulu of my own.  Now, he's not married to the homeless lady at the Box and I'm not wearing a breastfeeding bra to WOD.  Everybody wins.

And, then I pr'd in my Lulu.  And I'm superstitious.  I need more Lulu.

So, when I went to my Level 1 Cert., I visited my 1st Lululemon store.  I was feeling pretty great, having just passed my exam and thought "Hey!  I'll buy one of those hoodies!  To remember this weekend."

Now, this was above and beyond my normal level of spending-remember, I'm thrifty-BUT, I was celebrating.  Then, an important chain of events followed.

#1.  Husband called.  "Where are you at?"

me-"A Lululemon store.  I may buy a hoodie to celebrate...."

husband-"Yeah, you should.  Get some other stuff too, if you want."

me-"Yeah, I might.  It's pretty salty, though."

#2 Then, the sales associate came up.

"Did I hear that you are celebrating?"

me-"Yes, I just passed my certification to become a CrossFit instructor."

Lady Lulu-"You know, you get a discount as a CrossFit instructor."

No.  No, I did not.

An hour later, I was sitting in my car in their parking lot.  Just sitting there.  Staring into space-dazed and confused.  What have I done?  Who was this person with bags upon bags of Lulu in her mom-car?  I've never spent so much on so little in my life.  And, I drove home.

And, it happens every time I go into a Lululemon.  I think they pump in extra oxygen with just a smidgen of meth.  I thank goodness that the nearest store is 4 hours away.  I can control my urges online.  But, not when that Luon touches my skin...

But, I felt SPEC-FUCKING-TACULAR in my Lulu.  And then, I expanded my CrossFit clothing horizons.  Inov-8s, the new Minimus shoes, Life as Rx'd shirts, Rokfit, Lovefit, 2Pood, more Converse.  So many tube socks, my lesbian friends are envious.  My most recent addition:  a kettlebell tattoo.

The main focus of CrossFit is strength and conditioning, nutrition, discipline and community.  But, I have a theory.  We lift like men, we spend our days with weight lifting chalk all over us, our palms are  callused, rough and quite often bloody.  It's a hot, sweaty enviorment with metal music, some vomit, a few cuss words and lots of emotion.  And, my cute WOD gear makes me feel like a girl.  I need it.

I'm not too keen on all the new CrossFit clothes on mainsite-nothing against Reebok-I just like my Lulu. 

I do LOVE that they used CrossFitters as models, though. 

 I think that we need Reebok.  CrossFit has grown so fast in the last few years-beyond the expectation of the founders, I believe.  And, in order to facilitate the needs of all the new athletes, we needed a big sponsor-aka $$$$$$$$$.  No one thinks about how much it would have sucked if people who wanted to compete in Sectionals couldn't, due to the sheer volume of athletes.  It grew so big, so fast.  I have a lot of confidence in the people at HQ-they've done pretty well and have taken us to this point.  They are the delegates, if you will, for our community.  I wish people would put more trust in that.  If you want to complain, go ahead.  I think they(HQ) thought it through very well.  I find it hard to bitch about a program that is busting it's ass to try and make EVERYONE happy-you just can't.  But, they're trying.  But, I do prefer the 'grassroots' clothes.  The witty affiliate shirts, the speed shorts etc.

And, I don't agree with all the complaining about the Reebok Games uniforms.  If I was lucky enough to make it to the Games, you could put me back in a nursing bra and a Wham t-shirt.  I'd just feel happy to be there.  That's on a whole other level than what you wear to the Box.  Paid=professional.  The winners will be paid well.  Plus, it's just a weekend.   I'm willing to bet that if you ask a top 20 athlete if they care, they don't.  I put that on the same level as complaining about side boob

or bare bottom pictures on mainsite.  Get over it.  If I was at HQ, I'd post a picture of a scrotum sack on a kettlebell, just to weed out the elitists and complainers.  But, that's me.

I'm not expecting any job offers from HQ in the near future. :)

 I just want to drink my kool-aid enjoy the 2011 Games, like the rest of us. 

And, I plan on it.  I'm going to kick back on my couch and watch the athletes, the crowds and the update shows-in my Lulu-and just be inspired.

And. maybe get some ideas for a new outfit or two....

Let's face it.  I'm not a top 20 Games athlete or a clothing model, but cute clothes make you feel happy.  And, I believe in the power on Luon.

Apple Pie and kissing babies......

We survived the rapture!

Have you ever noticed when everything starts to go to shit, the world goes back to the basics?  The politicians start kissing babies, talking about Mom's apple pie and Sunday dinners with the family.  WWGD-what would Grandma do, we ask? People, the masses, take comfort in the basics.  They are familiar and they work.  But then, like we always do, we try to improve on the basics.  And, in turn, we fuck it all up again. 

Here are some examples of stupid inventions to make our lives easier....

Bending over and picking up crumbs can be a big fucking hassle and these slippers can eliminate that.....of course, you then have to bend over to take off the shoe broom and dust pan.  I have a dog, so I don't need these shoes.  He'll eat a paper clip, if he finds it.

You know what really chaps my ass?  When my kid wants toast and then I have to drag out the knife, the toaster, the plate AND the butter!??!?!  Not to mention the loaf of bread and that stupid little twistie tie to keep the bread fresh.  It just sucks the life out of you!  Between this and the stretch marks, I better get a car next Mother's Day.  And it better be a pimpmobile.  BUT, with this handy-dandy little invention, I'm saved all that hassle.  So what that it looks like a glue stick? Kids eats glue all the time.  Ask a teacher-I'm right about this one.

Eat with our fingers?  What are we?  Animals? 

Basically, yes.  And, like the mouse in the maze, we are problem solvers.  But sometimes, as we try to improve our lives, we can cause more problems.  Sure, I'm not getting finger stank from holding that shrimp, but now I have all these little finger plates to wash!  If dancing is good, dance aerobics is great!

Why workout, when you can slap on some thick soled Shape-ups and walk your ass to Kardashian status?

  Why lift a weight, when you can shake weight?

We've made everything so complicated....Can't we just all go back to basics?

 CrossFit knows all about the basics.  That's all we do.  And if you pick up ANY fitness magazine, they will tell you about this amazing 'new' way to get superior results....fast.  This isn't new.  It's like Glenda the Good Witch says at the end of The Wizard of Oz:

"You don't need to be helped any longer. You've always had the power to go back to Kansas."

We've had running, jumping, push-ups, sit-ups, squats, lifting heavy things and putting them down for as long as we have been on this Earth.  It's only in the last 40 years or so that we have really started to screw that up. 

 Oh, it starts with good intentions....

If veggies and fruits are good, then let's find a way to preserve and multiply them beyond natural means.  I found a canned good at my house that I can eat when my almost 11 year old daughter is at her driver's test.  No shit.  Whatever is in there that sustains that food, I'm not sure I want to put in my body.  Really think about that.  If a food will still be good in 3 or 4 years, do you REALLY want to eat it?

Girls today don't look like they did when I was 10.....

Of course they don't.  The growth hormones in our meats and dairy are changing that.  "But, she looked 18" is almost believable now......almost.  Check IDs players!  15 will still get you 20 and nowadays, it will also get you a scathing case of syphilis and a Facebook page dedicated to your perverted ways.  Read your meat and dairy labels and buy local, if you can.  Look for grass-fed, organic or hormone-free.  Find a farmer, farmer's market, natural food store or an old hippie-they'll hook you up.

Not that we all don't have moments where we go thru the drive-thru and toss the kids some McFuckits.  But, hopefully we are more aware now than we were 5 years ago.  And fast food should be a treat, not an every day nutritional plan for our families.

Basics.  How easy is this nutritional plan?

Vegetables, lean meats, nuts and seeds, some fruit, little starch and no sugar.  Boom.  As we say at the Box, "That just happened..."  Easy.  Basics.  Just like our grandparents used to do.

Even our dinner plates are bigger than they were 40 years ago.  Because more is better, right?  If you are talking about visceral fat and prescriptions to regulate our blood pressure, cholesterol and insulin, then there you go.  Portions today are absurd.  A Happy Meal is calorically suited for an adult.  A Big Mac and fries has the calories for a family of three.

Nicole, why are you McHatin'?

Truthfully, I love McDonalds.  I get their black coffee, eggs and fruit and walnut salad.  They are just a good example of somewhere in which we are all familiar.  If you don't know what a Happy Meal is, then welcome to your 1st day on the Internet.  There are no panties on Panties in a WOD.  The porn is just a few clicks away....hang in there, buddy.

But, I love it when people talk about this "new flash in the plan called CrossFit."  I hear it's the next Zumba.  :)

The magic of CrossFit is in the programming.  And, the community.  The movements are the basics.  The same ones that our Grandfathers used in basic training during World War II.  The same that our swat and tactical teams practice to stay in optimal shape.  I'm not saying that Seal Team 6 busted out 'Fran' before they took out Bin Laden, but I will bet my weight in lactic acid that they know how to do thrusters and pull-ups.

In a world that is already full of complications, why not keep it simple and stay with what works?  If you are tempted to stray and make things complicated, go ahead.  You'll be back.  Because when it all starts to fall to shit, we always return to the basics.

WORLD CLASS FITNESS IN 100 WORDS

"Eat meat and vegetables, nuts and seeds, some fruit, little starch and no sugar. Keep intake to levels that will support exercise but not body fat. Practice and train major lifts: Deadlift, clean, squat, presses, C&J, and snatch. Similarly, master the basics of gymnastics: pull-ups, dips, rope climb, push-ups, sit-ups, presses to handstand, pirouettes, flips, splits, and holds. Bike, run, swim, row, etc, hard and fast. Five or six days per week mix these elements in as many combinations and patterns as creativity will allow. Routine is the enemy. Keep workouts short and intense. Regularly learn and play new sports."
~Greg Glassman

It puts the lotion in the basket......

I write to you with hemorrhoid cream on my hands.  Because, along with shoes and the Games Site, as a Crossfitter, I obsess about my hands.

Everyone who is competing in the Open will be obsessed with 'hand health' this fortnight.  Some industrious athlete out there is probably marketing a shirt that says "I survived 11.5 and 11.6 and all I got was this lousy flesh wound."  Toes to bar then chest to bar pull-ups?!?!?!?!?!  Let the posting of the bloody hand pictures begin now.....

I, BTW, have only posted one hand tear picture in the last 2 years.  It wasn't a bloody one.  Just a flapper skin tear.  Our daughter, who was 9 at the time, tore her hands on the new pull-up bars.  Mommy and me pic. below.......

And yet, we've never had a professional family portrait taken.

I do have an awesome 11.5 power clean bruise picture.

But, back to hands and the Open.

I'm an average Jane CrossFitter.  I'm competing in the Open with 1 goal in mind-I don't want to scale.  Plus, as you know from previous posts, I'm dating Crossfit-it's getting serious.  Third base serious.  I think that there are a lot of athletes in the Open who are competing for themselves.  I have an imaginary emotional Leaderboard and I'm in the top 5, so far.  Yay me!  Especially, because I have NEVER been able to do more than 6 or 7 toes to bar touches in a WOD.  I've always been scaled to 'attempts' and even then, success alluded me most of the time.

My first attempt of the WOD left me thrilled with my mediocrity-2 rounds, plus 5 power cleans and 8 toes to bar.  You have to understand that being able to touch those bars with my toes 28 times is big shit in my world.  Plus, since my epic score of 1 point in WOD 11.3, I had some issues with the thought of power cleaning 100lbs.  11.3 was 110lbs, and I only cleaned it once in the 5 minutes.  I did pr in how many times one can say "mother f-cker" and  "c-ck sucker" in a WOD.  It's on the whiteboard.  :) Since my Olympic Lifting Cert., I haven't had that problem.  The weight went up easily.  Thanks, Oly Cert. Crew!!!!!!

My second attempt of 11.5, I pr'd by 49 reps.  That's 4 rounds, and some change.  I almost doubled my score!  I beat Sir Charles!  I "chose the wrench" (see http://www.daiglebreathesfire.com/2010/12/choose-wrench.html) and then broke it off in 11.5's ass, cause that is how I roll.:) 
As CrossFitters, even average ones like myself(statistically speaking, of course ;) ), we forget how amazing it is.   What we accomplish in a WOD is more than the average person could do.  Your workout is our warm-up, as we say.   During attempt one, I said "I'm just happy to be healthy enough to CrossFit rx'd.  Every toes to bar after the 1st one is icing on the cupcake." And, I meant it.  But, if someone tapped me on the shoulder and said "Hey, were going to run 5 miles and then do deadlifts till we shit ourselves-for time." I could do it easily-and be like "Hell yeah!"  And, I could still go home and make dinner for my family.  It wouldn't be an epic day in my personal history.  It would be, like, a Wednesday.  We forget that the rest of the world does not do this.   I almost doubled my 11.5.  In the Crossfit world, 4+ rounds.....meh.  But in the regular world.....even on the 4+ rounds level, we are Forging Elite Fitness.  God, why isn't EVERYONE doing this?  All those years on the Stairmaster and with my 5lb. hand weights?  Not eating carbs or fats.  People are out there buying shoes that they think will make their ass look better by just walking around.  Taking pills mixed with baby elephant umbilical cord blood and whale semen, or whatever the fuck it is, to lose weight.  It's really fucking crazy out there, and it's like we are the only sane ones in the room.  We forget what it is like to be 'average fit'.  It's desperate and a little sad.  There's a great program out there, folks.  And, It's FREE!  Or, join an affiliate.  I could blow my monthly cost on CrossFit by just purchasing crappy food-easy.  Long rambling paragraph short, I loved 11.5!  I plan to do all the WOD's again in 6 months to mark my progress.

Wasn't I supposed to be talking about something else.......
Oh, right.  I have hemorrhoid cream on my fingers.
SO, before my 2nd attempt of 11.5, I noticed I still had blisters on my fingers from attempt one ......well, crap.  And it occurred to me that these little fluid filled menaces would be popping open during the WOD, so I put band aids on them and told them "Company's coming!"  I knew more blisters were in my near future.  After the WOD, I went to the drugstore and bought some extra-strength hemorrhoid cream and Epsom salt.  After the long, bubble bath with the Epsom salts(which draw out soreness and swelling), I put the cream on my hands.  And I've been doing that since Saturday.  My hands look pretty great!  Really, I thought, what is the difference?  This cream relieves pain, swelling and temporarily shrinks hemorrhoid tissue.  Your hand skin, let's hope, is much less sensitive that your ass.  What can it hurt?  So, I'm using it.  I need my hands to be in good shape.  I'm hoping for a chest to bar miracle.  Not since 11.1(fucking 11.1....) have I dreaded that 'scaled' box on the submission page.  Even with a band-A BAND- chest to bar screws me every time.  I have not tried them in about 2 months.  Let's hope they're easier for me this time-I've been working pretty hard.  Also, I've been watching some inspirational videos...

As we enter the last week of the Open, I encourage everyone to play hard.  Play fair.  Remember that 11.6 IS NOT FRAN, it's her just bitchy cousin from SoCal.  And, let your haters light a fire under your ass.  Want it more than the next guy. Think outside of the box(I'm rubbing butt cream on my hands, for cripes sake!) and rip this week a new one! 

How long will you CrossFit?

Suck it, Wahlberg.

I'm 39.  I've been CrossFitting for 2 years.  I wish I had started in my teens.  Once CFHQ gets all the glitches worked out of the Games site, perhaps they could start working on a time machine, so that we could make that happen.  OK?  Thanks.

 Of course, considering the general lack of appreciation I had of my younger, much less complicated body, my youthful impatience and my steady 90's diet of Zima, IHOP pancakes and Camel Light 100's, I probably wouldn't have done as well as I do now.

But, I've always been one of those people who has to learn stuff the hard way.  Like move your face out of the way and the bar won't hit it so much.  Or, really tear up the tendons in my fingers by hitting them on the box before I learned to get them the fuck out of the way on a box jump.  Stretch.  Then, stretch again.  Scale the weight and then with hard work and some time, go for the RX'd weight.  Failure today doesn't mean fail tomorrow.   Life has been a little like my view on country music:  You have to go through some shit before you can appreciate it.

How awesome are you?  Too awesome.

Look,  I'm not against Mr. Awesome here.  I get it.  And, he is super important too.  Notice the bluetooth-someone may be trying to reach him to say "Hey, those shirts are awesome-both of them." 

"Dude, I know.  Got the collars popped and the gun show locked and loaded.  POW!"

But, even when doing bicep curls(insert snicker here), it's dangerous for "your awesomeness" to be your focus in the gym.  You need to check Mr. or Miss Awesome at the door and walk in as Joe or Judy CrossFitter. 

But Nicole, you say, I'm not a giant fucktard.  Good.  One less thing.....

But what about your trainer?  Because I feel, and it's my blog and therefore my opinion, that your training is a big factor in how long you can CrossFit.

We are now finishing Week 4 of the Open and I'll admit it.....I'm all kinds of hot for CrossFit this week.  Thank you for the overhead squats, HQ!  Thank you for the tasty little videos and articles on the Games site.  I'm leaderboarding all the time.  Thanks Kevin Daigle for the phrase "Leaderboarding".  Now we have a term for our obsession. 

I saw a video on the site that really sucked for me to watch.  The athlete being judged did well.  That wasn't it.  It was the person in the background working with a weight that was WAY too much for them to handle.   Shit, it hurt my knees just watching it.  But, it was filmed at a Globo-Gym, not an affiliate.  An affiliate wouldn't allow that crap.

She had a 45# bar and 10# plates.  She was doing OHS.  She stumbled forward and backward, arms akimbo, at times.   Her knees were all over the place and she never even went parallel, let alone below the crease of the hip.  That episode of "Seinfeld" where Elaine dances....yeah, it was like that.

You know that box where it says "That doesn't seem right."  I wish THAT girl had a box to check.  But, she didn't.  The judge in the video was a trainer at the Globo-Gym, though.  How do I know this?  Well, besides from the occasional super-douchey chin pops of approval he gave the terrible overhead squatter, he just projected it.  You know the guy.  Back in the '90's, when I was Jazzercising off my Zima and pancakes, guys like this were wearing their do-rags and these pants:

And, they were praising Van Hagar. There is only ONE Van Halen.  One.  And, the lead singer is David Lee Roth.  Period.

This girl in the video, if she is dabbling in CrossFit, needs to find a trainer who cares about her health, form and someone who is willing to scale her to an appropriate weight.  She is gonna get hurt.  Her joints, muscles...everything! is at risk.  Her CrossFit career will be short-lived.  I wanted to give her a PVC pipe.  I wanted the trainer to do burpees till he learned to not be so irresponsible.  Trainers like this drastically shorten an athlete's window of opportunity to enjoy a sport.  Life is so short.

Hey, do I get excited when I have an athlete rock out lifts at a challenging weight ?  YES!  Does it make me feel great? YES!  YES!   But, that doesn't make me Queen Awesomesauce. 

Some trainers are like the asshole parents at Little League games.  Little Johnny hits a home run, so they think THEY'VE scored.  

How can you keep this from happening to you?  Well, first find a trainer that is willing to firmly but respectfully tell you "No." when you are going for a weight that you simply can't handle PROPERLY.  A good trainer will do that.  And, anyone that has ever spent some quality time squatting with a PVC pipe will tell you that you will still get "wicked sore" with that white plastic devil.  And, once you learn how to do it properly, then you can start going up in weight.

Generally, you won't have this problem with a CrossFit trainer at a registered affiliate.  A Level-1 at an affiliate has a lot riding on his or her reputation, including the good name of the affiliate.  Don't pay a trainer who isn't employed by an affiliate to train you in the CrossFit methodology.  They can train you for free, but to accept money for CrossFit training without being under the umbrella of a registered affiliate is against the trainer agreement that they signed and is basically piracy.  And, you deserve better than that.

There are a lot of garage gym and independent athletes out there rocking the open!  The garage gym is one of the solid pieces in the foundation of our community.  And, they turn out some top-notch CrossFitters!  Mikko Salo for one.  They get their direction and training from Mainsite and I applaud them.  CrossFit has one of the best free instructional video libraries around.  College students, moms, dads, grandparents......GRANDPARENTS!!!  Are you watching the Masters?  Holy crap!  You sure don't get there by trying to be Barry Big Balls on day 4.  These people have been training carefully and responsibly for years.  And with the current caliber of athletes that we are seeing, can you IMAGINE the Masters in about 10 years?!   A good athlete, who is properly trained in the fundamentals, can excel well into their 60's and older.  We're seeing it now.

So, enjoy!  Here comes Week 5......and I smell pull-ups on the horizon.  But please, for the love of all things good, take care of yourselves.  Dig in.  Fight for it.  Strive to be the best you have ever been.  DEMAND excellence from yourself.  And treat yourself and the program with respect.  Don't you deserve it?  Damn right, you do.  Go get 'em, Honey Badgers!