Seriously.
In this post-divorce life, I have amassed a solid group of friends who are also starting anew.
Over and over and over again.
It is almost as if it were easier when we were in our teens/20's. And in my opinion, it was.
That is because we were ignorant.
If you are 18-30, so are you.
Enjoy it.
There is a defined sequence of events that lead to beginning adulthood that help guide you into making choices in your relationships.
It regulates the speed and direction.
"I need to finish school before I..."
"Paying rent in 2 places is crazy when we always sleep at your apartment. Let's move in together."
"Once I fall in love, I'll get married and have kids."
"Um, I'm pregnant..." (cue the rest of your life)
When you are 40ish, you have a life, an established job, a home, an education, a child...well? No guidelines for that one.
Now, you're going commando.
Rogue.
Exciting? Yeah.
Defined path?
You think so.
Until you realize that now you're full of life experiences and dating will not be easy. And no one ever told you about this stuff.
And it's hard.
It's uncharted territory and you don't have GPS.
It's uncharted territory and you don't have GPS.
I was talking to a friend a while back:
"How are you and Julie doing," I asked? (we will call her Julie for ease and convenience but know that now she is known as Psycho Bitch Life Ruiner. A bit wordy.)
"We are FINE," he said. "We are. But her kids, her ex, her job, her crazy friend in her ear (pick one)...it's killing me. Killing us. WE are good though. So good. We are magic. It's the other things."
Is it? Is it really though?
Our knowledge as 40ish adults limits the tolerance of what we will accept
Fully grown adults, each with their own intolerable. Watching the others accept what would be our intolerable.
It is so very hard.
It is so very hard.
No one tells you that these are the things that you will stumble over when you are in a new relationship. The hardest thing is learning to accept the fact that the person who you connect with accepts things that you simply wouldn't.
And these are the things that make you wish you were 18 years old again. And ignorant.
These are things that I call second-hand toxic. And I feel like it's just as damaging.
Secondhand toxicity kills.
I have a friend who allows her daughter to be disrespectful.
All. The. Time.
It has ruined more than one relationship because she accepts the behavior. It is just too hard for the men that she dates to watch. Their thoughts are, "I wouldn't put up with that but damn...if I say anything, it causes issues." My friend just doesn't "see" it. And when you date someone, you have zero say regarding their kid's discipline. The suck factor is huge so they bolt rather than play possible step-daddy to Regina George.
My friend, who date's Julie? One of the many problems is Julie allows a different level of a boundary in her life with her ex than my friend would allow in his. Pretty much, none.
Julie's ex is toxic. A real POS. Julie allows her ex to call too often, text daily and be on her social media. And the worst? He goes to Julie with his problems. And Julie has sympathy. A week later, he is back to his toxic behavior, banging on her door, calling, texting. All because she doesn't say no EVERY TIME. With some people, letting them stay in your life, even a tiny bit, is enough to keep their crazy flame lit. It's too much when you want to build a fresh new life with someone. They are not boundary compatible. Julie is used to it. For my buddy, it is a deal breaker. I don't blame him one bit. He deserves better.
Even in friendship, toxic people can bleed over. I just had someone who I coach relate to me that they were afraid to talk to me because they felt like I was friends with another woman who is extremely toxic. I'm not but I see her point. The toxic woman is a mutual acquaintance. All of this time, I could have had a more open give and take with someone I teach but they held back because of the toxic energy that the other person brings into the world. Might I have a similar outlook?
I don't blame her either.
But I am a boundary person.
Not to brag but I was building walls during the Reagan Era.
So, what do we do? Do we pick and choose what we will accept or do we hold the line in our relationships? Wait for someone who doesn't have a single red flag? Does that person even exist? Or reassess our wants and needs?
No one is perfect. Although I am lucky enough to be seeing someone that is pretty damn close to it. But even then, we are different on many levels. But morally, we are the same. We have fun. And he treats me beautifully. And the things that were deal breakers for me in prior relationships don't seem to bother me as much with ours. And as much as I thought that I knew what I needed, I am finding out what I need is not at all what I thought I did.
But I definitely feel for him, at times. I am like dating a vegan. He doesn't need to wonder if I like something or accept something because Imma gonna tell him. Like, 5 times.
He's a strong man. I can't have any other kind.
No one should settle for less than what makes them happy. And no one should lower their standards of morality. But as fully-formed adults, are we too rigid in our beliefs? Or is Mr or Ms. Perfect out there? Do we hold off and wait?
In our teens and 20's, we find perfect and later find out they are not. We find ourselves being infected with secondhand toxicity and it kills the relationship. No all but many.
In our 40's are we smarter or too rigid to bend and mold two lives together?
I really don't know.
But it is savage out there, folks.
Either way, be a warrior choose your battles wisely.
wow - so true - 37 is coming next month - and there are days I am like I don't know how to do life anymore with all the changes v how I was raised or what I expect. Be a warrior always. Always come to fight for each day. I have seen more beauty than I expected and more dumb than I knew could exist in one person. Just want to leave something good in my wake. Great post.
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