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I often wonder if I am too optimistic or just naive? I mean, I state what is written above too often for myself to ignore and yet, I am the eternal Sunshine Pumper.

Why? How?

 At this point, I should be a bit jaded. But, I'm not. And that perplexes me beyond what I can properly express. 

(So, yes Nicole. Blog about it. Because if you can't express it mentally or verbally, by ALL means, throw that ball of confusion out there.)

Does anyone else feel like they are in a perpetual state of befuddlement regarding this life? Because from what I have observed, the written rules don't govern the state.

I feel (and argue with me if you think I am wrong) that a shift has occurred in the last 5 to 10 years. I see, on a larger scale, repugnance being celebrated on a global level.

Shitty people getting famous for shitty behavior. 

True art and music being thrown aside because of surface level judgment and looks being celebrated before talent. 

We are making fools famous.

We.

Us.

Me. 

You.

Let's go closer to home:

Since we aren't all friends with rock stars and Academy Award winners (for fuck's sake, please stop calling them by their 1st names like you are catching the new Deadpool with them later this week), let's address this:

 Really nice people with 12 Likes on a status that is REAL AF and 200 on some bull statement pic with pursed lips and a peace sign.  

We are doing the exact same thing but on a more tangible level and that stuff effects our lives.

Truly.

We interact with these people that we make Internet Famous on some strange local level.

We like stuff that we KNOW is total BS. Don't deny being human. You do it. I do it. You like and I like because we WANT to BE liked.

We know that someone is a freaking creep-common knowledge stuff-but we gush over their "Couple Status", like the pic and then gossip about what a POS they are to their partner to someone else. 

We keep friends on social media who we wouldn't call Friend IRL.

We creep.

(Nicole, I don't...

LIAR! 

We all do. 

Settle down and admit it, silently. 

I'll wait.

There you go.)

We skew reality and then wonder why good things happen to shitty people.

WE do it. This is really on us.

Bummer...

We make people think that value is on aesthetics. On who is the saucier and sassier poster. Who has the IDGAF filterless page that generates the most clicks?  

I can post a pic of what music I listen to or what I am reading but the response is minimal. 

(This is my brain.)

I can post a pic of myself and if the cosmic consensus is that I look hot, the response is 2 scoops of Heavy Likes with creepy fucking sprinkles.

(Those are my boobs.)

And then we sit at home and ask ourselves, "What is right?"

At this point, how ARE we supposed to know?

I have friends, good friends who are single. We get together and commiserate over beer and coffee on why?

Intelligent and attractive friends who have the confidence of the nerd in a coming of age movie, pre-makeover montage. Wondering what the actual fuck is going wrong? 

I wonder the same thing.

Why?

 Why do good people with kind hearts, brains, who are financially stable and treat others well find themselves alone at night, scrolling thru Insta and FB, lonely, looking at posts and pics of people who are living lives that we know are BS. And WHY are we propelling this perception by providing affirmation to what we KNOW is their BS? 

(Yes, I get that there are real "relationship goals" and "squad goals" out there. There IS truth and beauty. 

Like that shit. Always.

I'm a Sunshine Pumper, remember? So, stop.)

My question is this: when do we reclaim reality? And how? The power of social media and perception is bigger than us now. It elects powers that be. It is The Spice. It writes the script and suddenly our lives are like reality TV. We know things are scripted. We act like it isn't when it makes us happy but complain that it is when we're unhappy. And while logic tells us what we want and what is right, we question it.

We question what we KNOW is right because it doesn't provide instant affirmation.

Damn it.

I love the instant stuff.

So, how do we make this better?

 I am asking you because I truly don't know.

I will wake up tomorrow. I will pump sunshine and post selfies and like things online. This is life. 

But I will also talk to people IRL. Smile at strangers just because I want them to feel happy too. Give hugs. Make my classes listen to my music and I will follow my gut instincts. I will stay unapologetically me although that gets me in trouble on the daily.

But I have no idea what is going on.

I'm sleeping with Lando Calrissian

I'm a bed maker.

I make my bed every day.

One, it is so adult. I walk into the room and I feel like a grown-up. 

Two, I hate seeing this:

 Hate it.

Why does it feel so bad to sleep alone?

Some people relish it. 

When I was married, my ex-husband would come to bed hours after me. He didn't touch me-not a cuddler-so I am not reminiscing about something that I miss. 

Actually, I loved it when he was NOT in our bed as I was trying to fall asleep. He snored. If I was already asleep, his snoring wouldn't wake me up. Much.

No, I think the visual of it just FEELS so fucking bad that I make my bed.

There are nights like tonight that I sit at home, my teenager is out until curfew.

HGTV is on and you feel more alone than you ever knew possible.

(Let's be real though...I am watching Empire Strikes Back)

Men send you "What's up, beautiful?" messages and it makes you want to cry because they don't see you for you. And they send you or say things that they would NEVER say in person. And you block another guy that you thought might be nice and hate the world.

And you feel angry because you don't like to be alone. And you wonder if that is good or bad? And if this will be forever?

Being in a relationship is like having a buffer or a filter for your thoughts and soul. Someone else for your energy to bounce back off of like a game of Pong.

I have really good and happy energy that just shoots out into nowhere. Nothing bounces back to recharge me. And I hit empty. Especially at night.

Before you tell me prayer is the answer, understand that I pray daily. Prayers of gratitude. 

God isn't a genie. And we're good.

 But, we are meant to co-exist.

I need to work on being alone. 

But I hate it as much as I hate that picture. 

Why? I think we are so wrapped up in instant gratification. Likes.

Friends and followers.

Affirmation from strangers.

Affirmation feels good. 

It makes good people stray-whether that be cheating or taking time away from your relationships with friends, spouses, family. It makes us feel like we have nothing when we have more than enough. We lose perception of moderation for all things.

Everyone is eating copious amounts of donuts, bacon, drinking. without repercussion, right? 

Wrong. 

We know better. But, we let ourselves think otherwise.

Just for a moment.

 And it makes us feel alone.

Probably because, in a way, we are.

I am thinking clinically but I am also open enough to admit that I recently ended a relationship. And I didn't want to do it. Although it was the best choice for me, it makes me sad daily. He is amazing and I miss him. Good choices can feel really awful sometimes. Truly awful.

But, what has made us get to this point? Is it social media? Or is it something else? Why do we care so much about perception? And why do we miscommunicate who we are to the world?

I would rather be honest and state that being alone sucks. Sleeping alone sucks. Nights alone when you don't want to be alone SUCK. But they can feel like they suck more because our perception is that everyone else is doing well.

They're not.

We all question those couples who can't make it thru life without posting every move they make. What are they trying to prove to themselves? 

Documenting events, kids, fun stuff...that is different. But, I don't need to explain that to you. But those other people? Ugh...We all know people like this.  I always imagine their nights as lonelier than mine. 

Why?

Sleeping alone is lonely but sleeping next to someone who doesn't value your soul is lonelier. 

So, Han Solo is the only guy in my life tonight. 

Or Lando. 

Yeah, Lando Calrissian!!

So much Lando!

Not Luke. 

Never Luke. 

He's a chocho.

Yeah, I said it.

and watch this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzDPbrrTQys