But Why Tho?

I was sitting at a community pool with a dear friend yesterday. It had been a while since we had one on one time. 

Pandemic problems.

She asked me, "Do you still write?"

I said, "No."

No.

And that two-letter answer has sat with me since I said it.

Good friends know when two letters are all the explanation that your mind has at the time. And we sat and felt the sun on our skin until we spoke again on another subject.

I am thankful for those kinds of friends.

Why don't I write anymore? I really had to think about it.

I feel like the answer is this:

It doesn't help me process anything anymore.

And I don't understand life...apparently. So why pretend that I could find an answer?

Good writing takes a part of you and puts it out there. Naked. And you need to be able to jiggle your bits and feel free. 

It was never for anyone else. But the perfect byproduct was that it made other people really happy and helped me think, all in one neat little post.

Who doesn't want to pump sunshine?

I guess lots of people nowadays. 

And nowadays are chipping me down like the suet cakes that I put out for the asshole birds in my backyard. But I keep feeding them.

Writing is a lot about blind trust. And I find it really hard to trust people with my feelings right now. 

Right or wrong, people are expressing their feelings like rapid-fire right now.  And no matter if we agree or not, they are bricks of thoughts. Hurled at the opposite views or building up walls because they think it will protect us from the onslaught of attacks that come from expressing your feelings. Build a big enough wall and you can make the opposite side feel small. Be loud and the louder you are, the more correct you will feel. 

And in this dirty war of words that are said from behind the protection of our phones or laptops, we express anger or sentences that we would never say in person. Self-satisfaction is outweighing our basic governing rules of society. 

Like the Constitution, which is not just a piece of paper any more than the Bible is just a book or a marriage is just a government contract, basic rules are in place to help the flow of society to move forward. And to allow us to move forward in grace and elegance.

By the way, elegance does not always mean gold-tipped, pinkies out tea time. By definition it means the quality of being pleasingly ingenious and simple; neatness.

And therein lies the problem or the answer to why I do not write:

The world is not flowing forward. We're swirling yet stagnant. No momentum. No forward movent. No growth. And those are the building blocks that make humanity a constantly evolving and hopefully more cohesive foundation on which we are all to live, thrive, and survive.

And learn.
When we stop learning, we're stuck in one place. And while plateaus or stoops are a great place to rest, if we want to better our lives and become stronger, we must keep moving forward.

Because unkind or unmannerly or unchristian or dickhead behaviors (choose your own adventure here) are more exposed today. More than ever and at a lightning speed. One click away.
 More common. We all have become people who are accepting this behavior as our new normal. When it is not normal at all. 

Cheating is appearing more common probably due to the accessibility through the device in which you are using to read this. Commonplace or accessibility doesn't make it acceptable. Yet, people excuse it easily within our friends, exes we take back, ourselves.

We use the same devices to lie. To COVER lies-even worse btw. To judge. To tell others, even strangers whose circumstances are a mystery to us that they are wrong. Stupid. Fools.

To judge so quickly and not in person but with absolute certainty that there are mass groups of people who are by some effing miracle of nature, all EXACTLY the same. And we should give them a name, label them and dislike them all. And tell everyone else to dislike them too. And if you don't, you're dumb too. Without doubt. They are the enemy.

And we are just that certain.

We don't know what we want to eat but damn, we know this. 

We forget the common rules of decency. That there is a curtain that we pull around us when we cast a ballot. But we use a platform to sit on a throne of our own making, giving a public thumbs up or down to eradicate others. And we applaud those who sit in our camp with a "Well said" or "This". 

And within our righteousness, we forget the basics. 

Manners. Kindness. Acceptance. Honesty and grace. Our foundational rules that hold relationships and society firm so that we may build and grow. And we surround ourselves with those who will accept our lack of regard for others because now it's common.

It doesn't matter if you like to eat drywall. You will find a group that will back you and makes you feel like it is normal. 

"Hell yeah, brother. And those sheetrock people are crazy..."
Because you needn't worry. There will always be someone to justify your behavior online. 

But it bleeds over to real life. In-person life. And it causes division. Arguments. Tears. Depression. 

And for me, a really screwed up sense of reality.

Should we not make others comfortable in our presence while allowing them the freedom to be their own person? Even though that is hard work?
Spoiler alert: all relationships are hard work when done right. Lazy relationships yield what is happening today.

So, why don't I write anymore?

Because trusting others with my feelings is asking to take a beating right now.

And I am beaten down.

Because I am widdling down my circle to those who will kind to others. To those who can give it over to God because no matter your opinion on current events, it really doesn't matter in the end. If Heaven is your end game, the big guy makes the choice. 

If it isn't? I love you just as much.
We cool.

I want to open myself to people who I can trust with the intangible. The irreplaceable. 

If you put your trust, friendship, heart, happiness, or sorrow in my hands, I will treat it as it should be treated.
 Carefully.

At the same time, I will protect my own. 

Which, if I understand humanity correctly, is what everyone else
feels they are doing right now in the 1st place.

We are all traveling thru this season together. But the emotional road rage against others is making the journey feel like the road trip from hell. Or to it. Depending on who you ask.

So, I don't write. Because I truly don't understand people anymore.
I probably trust fewer which makes me sad at times.
But I do know that I won't pretend to do so as I figure out my life and place in this world. The noise being created right now makes it so I can't hear answers. It keeps me from finding peace. And I really, really need that. 

So I am going to sign off this ancient blog that has brought me so much throughout the years-200k reads including that random traffic from Czechia that I appreciate yet boggles my mind every time it pops up-and keep my eyes on the road for the time being.