I want points for keeping my sense of humor over the past year.
Here I sit on a rainy Monday morning, drinking coffee and listening to Otis Redding. My house is clean, I am alone and wearing my sweats that would be a deal-breaker to any man who wanted me for my looks. Total comfort.
I am reflecting on my weekend which sends me down the memory rabbit hole of the last few months. Dating for the 1st time in 27 years and phasing off my antidepressants at the same time. Bold move, right?
That's how I DO!
And, I was ready to do both.
My dating app experience is a WHOLE other post but last night I deleted the apps from my phone.
Tinder and Bumble are like a literal tsunami of dick. Crude, yes. But that is the best description I can come up with. You put up a profile and then it is like a summer adventure flick. You are standing on the shoreline, enjoying the view and then suddenly, the tide recedes. Hmmm...that isn't normal? Then, this ominous feeling of dread comes over you-cue the music-and in the horizon, you see it. You don't run, initially. You stand there and just stare. Then instinct says to turn and run and you do. Over your shoulder, a giant wave of weiners.
There is beauty in the ocean. You want to be at the beach. You just don't want to drown in the water.
That was dating apps for me.
The only positive I pulled from them besides from life experience is Jose, who I text with now as I write this entry. He is a chef and restaurant owner. We laugh about how Tinder is kin to a public toilet. Used in what is perceived desperation but MAYBE I could've waited till I got home? He likes brussel sprouts as much as I do. We've never met. He is just a gentleman and a gentle man who is easy to talk to.
I had a great conversation with a woman in the bathroom at Finnigan's Wake. Girls out for drinks do this. She said the best thing and it really connected with me. She described talking to a man before she married and how it went well over text but in person...nothin'. She realized that she could lead a conversation thru text so that it plays to her level of wit and intelligence. Really, she was courting herself. Of course, it was attractive! That is the perfect description of what is going on in my life and why I can't use these apps.
I meet someone online. He seems witty. Intelligent. I like his face (stupid apps. And I am offended that they like me for my looks?) We graduate from messaging to text. Then, the phone call. I get super pleased because I am hoping that I am going to meet someone that is culturally and intellectually and morally my equal. And I am not above anyone else. NOT AT ALL. I just need to be compatible on that level. We meet and by date 2, usually...ugh.
And it makes you wonder? Am I too critical or are these guys just weird?
My No List:
1. Negativity-self-explanatory. I am a sunshine pumper. I don't want someone who complains about the little things. Life is good. Settle down.
2. Dat Ex-can you leave her at home? Or, better yet. Don't date until she is out of your life as a remote possibility? 3 times was enough for me. Get your lives together and just go back to her.
3. I am a real person-Like me for what is between my ears, not for my looks. I get that is why we swipe right initially but come on. Brainzzzz.
4. No cultural quick wit endurance-is that even a thing? If it wasn't, it is now. I want someone who can keep up. I want to tell someone that I just saw The Crucible and have him say, "Arthur Miller is the shit!" And then he texts me this meme within 2 min.
5. No Big Boy Palate-Be man enough to drink wine and love great food. But still hit the cold 2am pizza over the sink or stand in my kitchen and plow a bowl of cereal.
Oh, and I want him to have a beard. Also, must love animals and Star Wars.
Where is he? 😜
Quick answer...not on dating apps. They take you across the cultural and intellectual border. I don't have a passport. They allow us to create an illusion. Isn't life confusing enough without smoke and mirrors?
I am going back to meeting guys the old-fashioned way. With me being awkward AF.
Until then, I have coffee, CrossFit, texts with Jose, my friends
and my man Otis in the background with rain on my roof.
