"Why don't you write that funny blog anymore?"
Well, damn.
I wouldn't even know where to begin. I mean, literally. I wouldn't know what to start with if I did.
So much has happened.
I was threatened by a reader. I had to get a lawyer.
I became an NPC bikini competitor.
2017 kicked my now well-defined booty while some millennial Snapped it. Not really, but jeez.
My husband left me and I lost my sense of reality.
I moved to a new city.
They canceled Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders.
Wait? Hold up. What?
Yeah.
It is a strange sensation. To lose all sense of reality and yet be aware that you ARE LOSING ALL SENSE OF REALITY.
Fun side note; your hair falls out too. Shout out to my stylist, Nicole Watson for adding a shit ton of extensions until those fell out too. You're my hero.
He wasn't happy. I didn't know this. Apparently, he did. I was happy but it takes two. I loved him. He isn't sure if he ever loved me. So, he left.
I can actually pinpoint the day that I knew I had lost my crackers. I was late for work and I turned around and went back home to move two pillows on the bed. I had put the Darth Vader pillow on my side and the Storm Trooper on his. Not that he slept there. But the week before we had a good day and that is where the pillows were on THAT day and if they weren't there today, it would
All.
Fall.
Apart.
. So, I turned my car around and changed them. And I drove to work.
WAIT!
Forget that. I'm the Vader. I'm in charge. The universe would see the pillows and know that I was going to cave...again...like I always do.
GO BACK AND SWITCH THE PILLOWS!
And, I did.
And, I drove to work.
Again.
I had the worst class. I felt antsy.
Where was my husband? What if he went home because I wasn't there and saw the pillows?
Ladies, men don't notice pillows. They notice HOW many pillows they have to throw on the floor at night when they get in bed but they don't notice pillow placement. Know this.
I need to get home and change those pillows around! THIS IS THE LONGEST HOUR EVER!!!!
I gunned the yellow light. I made it home.
The mail was on the kitchen island.
He had come home to check the mail because I wasn't there.
that's the worst feeling
He had been in the bedroom to collect more gym clothes.
Damn it...
And, I sat on the couch and cried from 1:30-6. And thought about absolutely nothing and everything.
Somewhere in there, he stopped by. He sat on the hearth. He left angry.
I pulled my act together and made dinner. I picked up our daughter from practice. He came home and we pretended that everything was fine until she went to bed. Sometimes, we would argue in the basement.
Then, he'd leave.
And I would stay awake.
Turned up to 11.
And I repeated this every day for...I don't even know.
Every.
Day.
We went to counseling. I went to counseling. I got on Prozac. I got strong enough to brush my hair again.
My marriage didn't make it.
And now, I am divorced.
We are divorced. Holy shit.
But, he is my friend now.
I have a home, my hair and I've dated a string of unavailable but very attractive men who are WAY too young for me.
I won't lie. That was fun.
Except when it wasn't.
There are parts that I want to forget. And can't.
That sucks.
But, I sleep now. That is new. I am forever thankful to the friend who helped me in that regard.
I have a kick-ass Millennium Falcon tattoo.
I love my job.
But, what do I do now? Where do I go from here? I really don't know. Life is good. And frightening. And exciting. And frightening. Every day.
But, it IS time to acknowledge to you why I don't write my funny blog anymore.
Thanks for asking.
And why I will start writing again.
I will.
I promise.
And, yes. It will be hilarious.
Stay tuned...
-Nicole
