An Affiliate Owner's wife-My view

I rarely get to walk into a school function with my husband. As a wife, that is difficult. I miss talking with him before games and concerts, his long arm draped across the back of my chair. Sometimes, I feel lonely. Sometimes I read on my phone or re-read the program I was handed when I walked in. Sometimes, I am sitting near friends and I get to chat. Most concerts and programs begin with the children marching in and our daughter's sweet brown eyes scanning the room for mine-a tiny, worried frown on her forehead that becomes smooth when our eyes meet. She knows that I'm there and I've saved a seat for Daddy with my hoodie. She knows that he will be there by the time she performs, even if he must wait in the back of the auditorium till it's an appropriate time to move his 6-foot plus frame to the seat. He would never disrupt the show or block the view of another parent. He would never miss one of her programs. He is just that kind of guy-a great father and husband.
I rarely go to these programs in street clothes. Most likely, I'll have on the clothes I wore to the gym. It's a busy life but one we wouldn't trade for the world. We are happy, healthy and we love one another. We also love what we do. The sacrifices we make are small compared to the payment it yields.
I am not talking about a monetary payment but the one that fills our hearts and purpose. But it does take a lot of time and effort on the part of my husband and his co-owner to run a successful affiliate. They balance their duties beautifully. I am proud of them both.
That is why I am so passionate about Level 1 trainers teaching CrossFit for monetary compensation without affiliation. That is why I get upset when people go to these trainers because "It's a good deal" or "It's a good program". Of course it is. It's CrossFit. They just are being very careful to not call it that on paper or a website.
I have spent years trying to convince Level 1 trainers who repeatedly do this to stop. They simply do not care. They would rather take shortcuts. I can't control that. That is in their character, not mine.
They may have more time to work on their personal goals. They may not have to scrimp on other things to pay for affiliation and insurance. They may get to walk hand-in-hand into events but I get to rest well at night, knowing that I haven't deceived the sport that I love or the athletes who I train.
If you choose to CrossFit, please attend a licensed affiliate. We sign a trainer's agreement. I didn't treat mine like an iTunes download agreement. When I give my word, I mean it.
Not every business, even with the best intentions, can be successful. Good intentions wont bring business to your door. But we all can be honest. Honesty is a choice.
 Thank you for reading this. Good luck in the Open.
www.crossfit.com/cf-seminars/Level1TrainerAgreementPlainEnglish.pdf

Old School Class

 

Critics.
 In the fitness world, they are everywhere.
 

 

Recently, I came across a post on Facebook that had a link to one of my favorite articles regarding  intensity. The link was from 2009, about a year after I started CrossFit. Even though our sport has evolved, the information in that link was as fresh and relevant as it was 4 years ago. I enjoyed reading it again. Good advice never has an expiration date.

 

But I read that article with different eyes. Now, I read it as a coach and as someone who knows her  weaknesses. It was actually more helpful today than it was back then. Now, I can not only see my mistakes, I acknowledge them. I didn't always do that back then. Most everything I couldn't achieve was someone else's fault four years ago, in my mind. Surely, it wasn't mine.

Jeez, was I dumb.

I now shoulder that responsibility in the gym and in life. I'm stronger for it. I know myself. And, I like me. As an added plus, I don't care if others don't like me and that is pretty sweet, too. It's amazing what you can gain when you realize that even though you are a decent human being to others, people are going to either like you or not and you have very little choice in their decision on the subject.

 

When I started to CrossFit, most everyone was pretty accepting, kind of like the family you have at your box. I lost 3 lbs, got one double-under or used the 35# kettlebell for the 1st time and it was like a freaking online parade in my honor. I could post a picture of me wearing gloves, a belt and wrist wraps, chalk up to my elbows doing wallballs with a basketball and people would be like, "Great job, beast!" It's part of what I fell in love with when I started CrossFit and it still exists in most every box today and on their Facebook pages. It feels GOOD to be praised for your work. That support made the old 200 pound me come back every stinking day. I felt like a rock star. So did you, right? I hope so! You deserve it, damn it. This shit is hard! No matter what level- RX, scaled, Masters, Games athlete, garage ninja, grandma....it's no cake walk. If it is, write me. I can recommend a good article on intensity.

 

Back to that article...

The photo that accompanied the piece was of a woman doing a split-jerk. Back in 2009, the simple fact that she had more than one plate on either side of the bar made my heart ache with envy. The weight looked to be 105#. "Holy shit," I thought. "What must that be like?" Her face was pure grit-just beautiful and intense. Inspiring.

Four years later, I can tell you, it is pretty fucking great! It was surreal to read it again and know that I can split that weight now.  I thought that was unachievable. Surely, I was an expert about what I could and couldn't ever do, right?  Again, I was wrong.

But now, I notice other details. Her split isn't very deep or wide like some other folks, she is wearing running shoes and her grip is different than mine. I'll be honest, you don't see a lot of pictures posted these days of people split-jerking in running shoes. Not the minimal, flat running shoes you see today, but those puffy-soled fuckers you ran in before someone told you to do differently. And ALL the comments below the picture were glowing, encouraging.

 

As well they should be.

 

Are people throwing more weight over their heads these days? Maybe, statistically. We have grown in numbers and evolved into a huge community. But, the girl jerking 105# is still awesome...right? Is it still a good lift if it is in an uneven soled street sneaker? Wearing what you have and what is comfortable is still OK....isn't it? Are we allowed to have a narrow split, a deep split, a narrow grip, a wider than the norm, non-hook grip hybrid with heavy metal horns when we go overhead? Can we?

 

 

I just thought I'd ask. People have gotten so stinking picky.

 

My hats off to those who have joined our ranks. I have met some of the finest people I know in the last five years. But this woman who has inspired me since I began would be picked apart by the online vultures if that picture was posted to a large audience today. And that, in my opinion, blows. It will ALWAYS be a perfect picture to me. Not because of the weight, the gear or the form but because of her accomplishment and the inspiration it gave me. And by the way, it's a good jerk in my opinion.

 

So, I ask you this? Who the fuck are these people, the vultures? Who made them the Online Form Patrol? Are they at your box? Are they your coach? Your partner in tomorrow's team WOD? Think hard... Do you want to throat punch someone at the box? No? Well, someone must know them because they are fucking experts on everything CrossFit. Which is pretty damn impressive because I've been around for a while and I've never heard of one of these prodigies. And I troll....a lot.

 

But, to the good part:

 

What amazes me is how all this negativity hasn't stunted the growth our community. These self-proclaimed experts in all things CrossFit are everywhere. Except where it counts-your box and it's social media page. If they attack one of your members, your athletes become Liam Neeson in 'Taken'. 

And I love that!

It says something for the strength of the community at the affiliate level that these Keyboard Coaches haven't ruined it for the average CrossFit athlete. After all, when they are picking apart the form of Annie, Kristen, Rich and the Speal, we're all screwed right?

 

 

Damn right, we're not.

 

There will always be haters. Someone will always be telling you that you are doing it wrong, wearing the wrong shoe, gripping the bar the wrong way. Someone will always tell you that you are too slow, too impatient, need to bulk up, you look like a man, you are too fat, too girly, ugly or your form sucks.

 

Filter that shit.

 

Sift through and take the good from the comments you receive but don't stop putting yourself out there. It doesn't need to be perfect. No one is. 

Even them.

 Otherwise, the all-seeing, all-knowing 'experts of all things CrossFit' win.

And we can't have that, can we?

 

If someone you respect gives you advice, they should deliver it in a respectful manner.

If they don't, then ask yourself if they deserve your respect.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



The Iron Triad of Woolfenden, Little and Cox or how I met Jake's Hot Dad...

As you may have surmised from the title of this blog post, Jake Woolfenden's dad is a straight up silver fox. Like, George Clooney looks like a schmuck. Jake's dad isn't even photo shopped. And George Clooney doesn't even lift on the reg. I'll bet he only lifts for a role. I'll bet he has a Segway that he rides up and down the shores of Lake Como. I'm willing to bet he stops his squat at parallel.
 

But, I digress.
 

Last fall, THIS came across my News Feed:

 

Take your time.

 

This is Jake Woolfenden's dad.

His DAD!

 

Now, Jake is one of the nicest men I know. I met him at CrossFit Springfield. And when Jake's friend Cindi Little posted this picture, I had one thought:

 

"Please let Jake's Hot Dad do the Open and kick ass so that I may someday write about him."

 

And, he did kick ass. Every week for 5 weeks.

I had two choices: One-I could stalk Jake's Hot Dad.
 

 

Well, stalking is exhausting. Plus, Jake's mom is awesome and so is my husband. There went THAT idea.

Or two-share the wealth and write about him.

 

So I chose to write about him. I met Ken and his wife at the Tanger Throwdown. They are a truly wonderful couple. So wonderful that I almost felt guilty about referring to him as Jake's Hot Dad. Almost. But I got over it.

Come to find out, as usual, there was tons of incredible stuff going on at CrossFit Springfield.  They had 3 athletes who qualified for the Masters. I HAD to know more!
 

 

SO! Here is what I found out about the amazing Ken Woolfenden, Cindi Little and Clift Cox-Masters athletes competing at the 2013 CrossFit Games.

 

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Jake's Hot Dad prefers to be called Ken to his face. I'm sure Jake's mom prefers it, as well. Go figure. Also, Clift and Cindi are equally hot.  BUT-Cindi, a 3x Games veteran and Clift's girlfriend Kara, also a Games veteran, could squash me like a bug. I fear them. I'm inappropriate, not stupid.
 I am currently hiding from Jake's lovely mom, who I respect enormously.  

Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

The Iron Triad

 

 

CrossFit Springfield has been pumping out Regional and Games level athletes since they opened in 2008. It is no shock to drop in and see some of the fittest people in North Central doing what they do best. And, it’s sweaty business. Shirts are shed. Guns and abs are exposed on the daily. With the quality of athlete CrossFit Springfield has the reputation for turning out, it takes something extraordinary to stand out from the crowd. Enter Ken Woolfenden, Clift Cox and Cindi Little-CrossFit Springfield’s Masters Division athletes. All three proved their fitness on the worldwide scale and will be taking their skills to the 2013 Reebok CrossFit Games in July. The road to California has been anything but smooth.

 

Ken Woolfenden caused a sensation in North Central when his son, coach Jake Woolfenden was tagged in a Facebook photo of Ken doing double-unders without his  shirt.

“I hate my dad…” joked the younger Woolfenden. “Seriously, he sucks.”

 Not many 61 year old men sport abs like the 8^th place finisher in the 60+ division of the Open. Truth be told, neither do many men half his age. And not many had to fight for their fitness like Ken Woolfenden.

 

“On January 12, 2000, I was involved in a job site accident,” said Woolfenden.  “A 1,200 pound steel column fell on me, shattering my pelvis, pulverized my right buttocks, injured my right shoulder and neck.  The doctors had their idea of rehab and I had my own.  They told me I would never be able to do the physical activities I did before.   In six weeks I started my own rehab plan which included speed limping, lifting weights, and swimming.   After two years I was 80% recovered but was unable to reach 100% until my son introduced me to CrossFit two years ago.”

 

Initially leery, due to lingering complications from his accident, Woolfenden cautiously dipped his toe into the CrossFit Kool-Aid. With gentle encouragement and coaching from his son, the grandfather of 7 and former martial arts and boxing enthusiast found that with functional fitness, his lingering health issues were being slowly erased. Gone were the pain and mobility issues from his accident and his problems with high cholesterol and high blood pressure.  “My Life Insurance rates have dropped in half which pays for one year of CrossFit,” Woolfenden happily reports.

 

In 2012, Woolfenden placed 25^th worldwide and set his sites on the 2013 Games. Fueled from encouragement given by his wife of 34 years, he trains 5 or 6 days a week and does two a days twice a week. Although he travels often for his job as regional manager for a steel company, Woolfenden manages to fit it all in, finding creative ways to utilize hotel gyms. His older son Len, encouraged by his father and brother’s accomplishments, became involved in CrossFit and is now an affiliate owner in Chesterfield, Missouri. It is the opportunity to train with his boys and athletes of all ages that helped drive Woolfenden down the road to Carson for the 2013 Games. “I love working out with all age groups because they push me,” he said.  “Their energy level stirs the competitiveness in me and challenges me daily.  I think of CrossFit as the fountain of youth.  Being able to climb ropes and box jump is like being a kid again.  I will never give up on trying to beat my sons in at least one event at CrossFit.”

The younger Woolfendens have their work cut out for them.

 

The second member of this iron triad is 46 year old Clift Cox. 2 years ago, Cox didn’t like what he was seeing in his reflection in the mirror. “I was in my mid 40’s and starting to see signs that what was once an athletic build was quickly becoming soft and weak. It was definitely not what I envisioned for my life,” he said. Fast–forward two years and Cox, along with girlfriend, Kara Wallace-Racz would catch your eye in any room. But in a room full of sweaty generalists, this couple shines. Wallace-Racz is a former team Games athlete and 3 time regional qualifier, so her advice has been invaluable to her boyfriend and the Open’s 17th place 45-49 Masters Man. They spend nearly every Sunday evening with Wallace-Racz’s sons, meal prepping for the week and discussing their training. “We’ve turned it into a great family day and it makes us feel good that we are feeding our family a healthy diet that isn’t processed.” When time permits, the couple enjoys riding the 6 horses Cox keeps on his farm. “It’s a lot of fun, sharing this passion with her and having her as a fellow competitor,” said Cox.  “It is rare that I beat her in a WOD, but it does on occasion happen. Her two boys, Gavin and Malakai are just now getting to the age that we are hoping to introduce them to CrossFit. If only we had started at their age.”

 

Cox’s first love was the water. He began swimming at 8years old and competed for Drury University in Springfield MO. He was the National Association of Intercollegiate Athletics Swimmer of the Year in 1988. He held 5 school records at Drury and 3 NAIA records. After college, he started training and competing in triathlons and was competitively successful though his mid 30’s. “In 2002, I was ranked 3^rd in the world in the Triathlon Clydesdale division,” said Cox.  “But, an injury sidelined me from running and at some point I started becoming okay with not being an athlete any longer.”

 

Cox was encouraged to try CrossFit by a college buddy who coaches at CrossFit Springfield. “I saw what CrossFit was doing for his body and realized quickly that there must be something to their workouts. I’ve been involved in insurance sales and rental property for the past decade and, due to work demands, time to do those long swims, training rides and runs that a triathlon calls for was really not a possibility any longer. The appeal of working out 3 or 4 days a week for just one hour had a huge plus side for me.” After the better part of a year, Cox was able to handle most workouts Rx’d and decided to participate in the 2012 Open. To his delight, he placed 86^th in his division. “From that point forward, I felt like I had a new sport to compete in,” said Cox.

 

The biggest challenge Cox faces, in his opinion, is recovery. “If I try to WOD more than 5 days a week, I start having tendon and ligament issues,” said Cox.  “My muscles require more rest now.” On occasion, he will add in an additional workout, but as a lifelong athlete, he finds that listening to his body has been the most effective tool in his training arsenal. “I don’t want to have to give this sport up because of an injury,” said Cox.  “Therefore, for me it has become more about the right amount of rest. The greatest reward of CrossFit is health and fitness. I look at so many of my contemporaries and feel like I am half their age.”

 

In the back corner of CrossFit Springfield, a quiet, lithe woman teaches rowing at 5am. Ironically, this 5’11” coach is named Cindi Little, but rest assured, there is nothing small about this athlete. Little is returning to Games for her third year running and placed 5th in the 60+ Women's Division during the Open. Little also took 1^st place in Event 5, with 123 total reps-that is four rounds plus 3 thrusters.

 

“One of the great things about CrossFit is when you walk in age barriers disappear,” says Little. “Everyone is the same on the floor at our affiliate, in that respect. No one says, “Oh you’re old, you better scale this.” Everyone is treated the same.”

 

When Little was raising her six children, “Jane Fonda was my workout coach.” Like many women, she would pop in a VHS tape and exercise in her living room. She also enjoyed bike riding and eventually taught a spin class at her local YMCA. Four years ago, the grandmother of 13 found CrossFit. Within a year, she was competing at the 2011 Games. “I was not prepared for what the experience was to bring as far as speed and short term endurance. I have always been better at the long term endurance,” admits Little.  “I got better as the week went on. I finished in 12^th place and was thankful.”

 

In 2012, Little competed again, this time with a hair line fracture at the top of her right foot. Little admits she should not have gone that year. “It was a very miserable week. I was in lots of pain the entire time,” she said. “I made it through every event, usually placing last or close to it. But I did finish. I ended up with more damage than just the foot and it was October before I was back to par. Lesson learned.”

 

In training for the 2013 Games, Little has been sticking with 1 hour sessions, six days a week, adding an extra hour or two weekly until July. She had also incorporated yoga into her routine and works with a sports cranial chiropractor to correct her uneven hips. As with Woolfenden and Cox, mobility, a clean diet and rest have been the cornerstones to her success as a Masters athlete.

 

All of her training is done before 9am, after which she goes to her job of 30 years at a direct sales company where she is a National level executive. She and her husband enjoy to travel and working in their 5 acre yard, flower and vegetable garden. Several of Little’s adult children have followed her example and have become avid CrossFitters. “You have to live it for them to want it and continually pursue it. They see what it can help you become,” she states emphatically.” I have great health for my age in life. I’m more fit than any other time in my life time. I have qualified to go to the Games three times!”

 

Ken Woolfenden, Clift Cox and Cindi Little are 3 of the 15 Masters athletes from the North Central region that will be heading to the 2013 CrossFit Games this July.

 

Dropping it Old School

Lately, I have had a few folks ask me why I have not posted any Old School style Panties in a WOD blogs. "You've gone soft," they said.

"You would be an expert on that, I assume?"

That is my sassypants reply.

You see, I must get my panties in a wad in order to write an Old School post. I'm not softer; I'm more patient. Happier. Wiser.....

Fucker.

But since you asked and since I have time before my next WOD, here is a recent list of things that have caused me to practice restraint:

1. Please stop breaking the chalk in the buckets into powder.

Or, as my friend Rodney put it...

There will always be powder at the bottom. We promise you. Gently grasp the chalk and apply it to your hands. If you break if up, then we have to get another block. Because we are anal and routine driven people. You don't need to look like you were fisting the Pillsbury Dough boy to do a pull-up. Just a small amount will do. So please don't break up our chunks. There is tons of powder in that pail.  Like, Scarface amounts of chalk. I call it Bitch Powder.

2. People who won't participate in the Open because they will not advance or beat their buddies.

Really? Well, to quote Gomer Pyle, "Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!" I didn't see this coming. Are you sure? Because I thought this was the year Rich Froning could bend over and be your wife.

I can't wait to hear your excuse for 2014. Because not wanting to subject yourself to the possibility of 7 minutes of burpees isn't working for me. You have a year to work on a better excuse. 3-2-1...GO!

3. People who can't even GUESS their 1-rep max within 5 pounds.

I mean, really. You should know these numbers. If you take pride in them, they should roll off your tongue like the lyrics to that Tone-Loc song you managed to commit and store in your memory bank. I'm the first one to tell you that you should enter the gym leaving yesterday's baggage behind. Every day is a new day. Today you are strong. Tomorrow, everything feels heavy. Every day is different. But you need to learn from the day before. Otherwise, we can't improve-get it?

 Guess what? I may just make your day here. There is this thing called paper and color me Father Christmas, I will give you a piece to write this shit down. Or, you could use your spot on the whiteboard. Or write it on your arm in chalk till you can get to the notebook we gave you. For free. No wait, the chalk is all powder. Well, you're screwed. I guess then it's all my fault for not providing the block of chalk. FML. Speaking of....

4. It's not my fault.

Your day. The fact that your boss is being a dick. The fact that your other appointment went long and you had to do burpees because you were late for my class. Your pants feel wonky and your hair is in your eyes. That double unders make you pee. That you hate wallballs. The fact that you are tired and do not want to be here is not my fault. Unless I drove in my car, threw your body in, drove you back to the gym and Super Glued your MF hands in a hook grip onto the bar, it is not on my shoulders. So don't be pissed at me for believing in you and your ability to get one more rep. If I don't think you can get another rep then I will not encourage you to do so. I've coached several classes in the same WOD and done it myself before you walked through the door. And, I will not provide a second to that voice in your head that is telling you that you cannot do something. I am paid to push you and keep you safe. And to believe in you when you do not believe in yourself. Actually, that last service is free.

All these things grind my gears, as the great Peter Griffen would say.

So, there you go.

Old school rant.

The Open starts in a week, by the way. And the Masters Division just got a little spicier. I'll see you on the Leaderboard!

-n

Losing my CrossFit virginity....

I have a secret. A carefully guarded secret. Up until this morning, I was a CrossFit virgin. I, your coach and friend, had never done a rx'd Fran. Like, ever....

 

 

Seriously. I went to my Level 1 with my fingers in a splint. I left the splint at the hotel but was not allowed to hang from the bar, so I did jumping pull-ups. I got my kipping pull-ups not long before I went and we had just done Fran a month or two prior. I used a green band.

 

Then it was programmed when I was in Ohio and once more when I was in St. Louis. Since then, I have dabbled with Aqua Fran, Body weight Fran and probably some suckfest hybrids like a Frangie or Frelen. But, no Fran.

 

I have done GI Jane, Murph, the Open. But when people talk about their Fran time, I STFU. Which is a miracle within itself. It was my secret CrossFit shame. Until today.

 

Now, it may not be an epic Fran time. I won't be winning any t-shirts or Firebreather awards, but it is MINE! And if there was a 10 minute cut-off, I now know I wouldn't DNF.

 

Like I said, it is not epic. It was 8:52. But it is mine and I hide in shame no more! I HAVE A FRAN TIME!!!!!!!! And next time I meet that chick, I'm gonna beat my time!

 

 

So feel free to ask me about my Fran time. I actually have one now!

 

Makes you wanna dance!

 

 







My Corner of the World

I spent this weekend hiding my head in the sand. The sand being my birthday, my yummy non-paleo treats, my family.

Anything to avoid the news.

What could be worse than the bare facts? 20 children dead and six adults. I didn't need to hear more.

 Details like the little girl who wanted to wear her fancy Christmas dress to school that day haunt me. She did, by the way. That is a magnificent mother. Most moms would say no. It would get ruined at recess, at lunch etc. But she said yes. I bet that sweet little princess felt so special getting ready that morning and walking into her class. As a mother, that would bring me comfort.  But honestly, all of these details and the interviews, ESPECIALLY the interviews with the children...I just can't listen to them. The weeks before Christmas should be the best times in elementary school. And for parents, our babies bring home crafts and colored pictures that we keep forever. I keep mine with the Christmas decorations. Every year, Sydney's reaction is different. This year, she said, "You're not going to put THAT up, are you?" And someday, she will treasure them like I do. They are memories. I feel sad that these parents don't have construction paper wreathes and homemade ornaments to treasure. There are a million reasons to feel sad regarding the shootings at Sandy Hook. That is just one that was on my mind today.

In their grief and quest for answers, so many people look for someone or something to blame. Gun control, autism, lax parenting, lack of prayer in schools, insufficient security etc. I suppose it gives them comfort, this searching for a reason. I've done it. I have found it to be ineffective for me. Because we will never know what was going through the shooter's mind that morning.

In the gym, solutions come easy.

"Hit positions."

"Tighten up your nutrition."

"Timing."

"Drill the skill."

"Break it down and take it one step at a time."

"Practice."

"Patience."

In life, not so much. We want immediate gratification. We want answers....now.

Sorry.

I wish life had the same clarity that we see at the gym. A tight little plan that, when followed, produces the intended results.

All I know is blaming never got me a PR.

Only hard work.

So, to get through this, I am going to tighten up my skills in my tiny corner of the world. It's the only way I know how to help.

I'm going to listen without simultaneously thinking and formulating responses. I'm going to try to understand others. I'm going to hug my child more, much to her pre-teen dismay, because I need to. And deep inside, everyone needs more love, no matter what they say. I'm never going to miss an opportunity to say "I love you" to someone because you just never know if that was your last chance. And, so help me, if my child wants to wear my freaking wedding dress to school, I will just be calm and say "With or without the veil?" Because everyone needs to feel understood and supported.

Use the Hook Grip!

Six months ago, I hit rock bottom. And at the time, I didn't understand why. Let me explain where I was sitting at that point.

The CrossFit Journal had written a nice profile about me in the "You were saying..." series. I was then asked to write a few articles for the Games site during the Open which led to the offer of the Head Writer position for the North Central Regional. I'd only been CrossFitting a few years. I was thrilled to accept the offer. And terrified.

At work, we had just built from the ground up a Box that is enviable by any one's standards. It was built to my husband and his business partner's specifications and may I say, it kicks ass. Not only do we have some of the finest coaches in Southern Missouri, but our facility is only surpassed in coolness by the incredible athletes that walk through its doors every day. That's not just your typical 'Box pride'.  On an unbiased level, SoMO is hard to beat. My heart beats faster when I open the big bay doors-I love it! Anyone would.

And on the home front, I had and still have a wonderful daughter who is smart, wicked funny and causes very little drama for a 12 year old girl. My husband, who is also hard to beat by any one's standards, tells me he loves me every day and that he is happy. And I know both are true. We laugh together and truly enjoy each other's company. I am more in love today than I was when I met him in 1991. It is everything a young girl would dream about when she imagines her life as a married woman and mother.

My cup was overflowing and all I could see was the ring it was making on the table.
I hated me. I felt like an impostor in my own life.

I had hit an emotional rock bottom. And it's stabby as fuck down there.

I felt unworthy of all my blessings.

Do I work hard at my job and love it passionately? Yes. Do I do the same with my marriage and family? With pleasure. I will give 100% to others but the problem was I wouldn't do the same for myself. And I fell deeper into the hole.

Did people know? Hell, no! Now, if I have a splinter, you will hear the heck out of it. But this? I just couldn't admit the full depths of my feelings to anyone. And I refuse to admit a weakness. I came across like a mountain of strength and positivity, but you could have blown my soul away like a leaf.

Thank God I didn't go full mental. I had reasoning and common sense. I knew what was the eye of the self-inflicted shit storm. Yes, self-inflicted. I was chipping away at myself. It was nutrition. The freaking base of the hierarchy of the athlete. The foundation of it all. I was not content on just ruining my body with poor nutrition. If you screw with it long enough, you can take down your mind, as well. I promise you that.

Do you know this picture?

It's a Coach Glassman original put out there at our Level 1 Certs and in a great Journal article from 2002. You locals may even recognise it from one of my nutrition lectures. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that I can counsel nutrition like a motherfather? Irony. But that base or foundation of nutrition is very much tied in with my mental state. It was crumbling. I felt terrified.

I can't not eat. I will die. I can't focus too much on it. I will go back to a terrible place in my life where that was all I did. I can't not focus on it. It's my job. So, I just ate as I wished. I ate myself into a terrible state. I not only polluted my body but my soul, as well. I was beginning to hate others for their happiness. Seething hate. I didn't know who I was looking at in the mirror. But I knew I hated her, too.

So, I says to myself, I says..."Self, WTF? Go to a nutrition program for CrossFitters. They will understand. They know you need fat-not fat-free foods. They know you need whole foods. Go to a group of strangers and tell them you need help. Who cares what a stranger thinks? Explain your past with eating. Explain that you hate yourself. Help yourself, dammit! And by all means, keep up a strong front at home and at the Box. People depend on you. You're letting everyone down by not taking care of yourself."

So, I found one. And there was a tightness in my chest that loosened a tiny bit. I was going to try it out. I felt some hope. Until one day I read on Facebook that they had, in my mind, disrespected my love-CrossFit. Now, I don't know if they resolved it but I can tell you that on that particular day, I went berserk. Shit house rat crazy. On the Internet. And I thank God for fate, friendship and community interceding that day.  Here is what happened...

As you may recall me saying, I'd lost my shit. Now, this is not typical. I joke and laugh. I support and care. I do not normally strip naked (emotionally) and streak through someones status update on Facebook. But, true to form, if I'm going to fuck up, I'm going to pr. So I did it on the page of one of my instructors from my Level 1 Cert. You know those guys. You go home from your Cert and friend them on Facebook. Then you brag that they are your friend on Facebook. You watch them compete at the Games. You refer to them by their first names and will probably never meet them again. You 'Like' their status updates, but you don't comment on them. Holy shit, creeper....Yeah, those folks. I did it there. BIG.

I was honest. I was raw and I truly didn't give a fuck. I felt like the rug was ripped out from under me. How was I going to get my mind and body under the same roof now? Damn them, this nutritional counseling group, for yanking away the rope that was going to pull me out of the pit I was in. If you know me and/or you think CrossFit is 'cultish', then you know I am a card carrying supporter. I beat the bass drum in the freaking parade. If you poop on my sport, I will not give you a dime. If you try to harm it or discredit the people, I will argue till I am blue in the face. And whether it was rational or not, this is how I felt that day. And I felt alone. Again. I felt like I would show up to write at Regionals and they would know I was an impostor. How would I interview our Games athletes without them thinking "Who the fuck is this? She doesn't look like she CrossFits. Does she even know what she is talking about? What was HQ thinking?"

So, while I am ranting like an unhinged crazy person about how I feel to VIRTUAL STRANGERS, three of them step in.

"We will help you."

Mother of God. I shut my laptop. Quickly. Like they could see me. What have I done?

I opened it back up. Crap. They were still there. Now, I don't know what you do when you see a crazy person. I slowly and quietly back out of the room. That's not what was happening here. With 2-3 post efficiency, they formulated a plan to contact me. Two of my Level 1 instructors and a writer from HQ worked up a plan.

"Boom! Done!" one of them wrote.

 Wow. It's worth repeating. Wow. Why did they even care? They really don't know me. Life would go on without my wiseacre cartoons, memes and status updates on Facebook. So, why? That day, fate put me there for a reason. I can only guess that they just love people and love their job like I do. I would walk through fire for my athletes-I love them. As soon as they walk through our doors, I love them. Maybe they feel that way about the athletes they guide, as well. Even if it is just for a weekend.

So, I allowed myself to admit my weaknesses to them. I didn't lie, which was hard. I was used to lying to myself on that subject. But it felt very good to tell the truth.

Now, I am not very religious, but I live in the buckle of the Bible belt. And I have heard of people talk about 'falling off the path' they knew so well. And as the 2 instructors spoke with me via email and phone, they reminded me of what I was taught at my Level 1. It was like hearing it for the first time-"I saw the nutritional light!" I'd seen the path to good health before. As I said, I even draw one heck of a map for everyone else on how to get there. But, I had never walked it in earnest-ever. I never felt like I was worth it. But if they were willing to believe in me, I was willing to try.

Where were all my friends and family? Here-really here. Like always. Could or would they have helped me? Yes! Would I have let them? Not then. I was afraid I would be a burden or I would be letting them down. Not so. I really sold them short by hiding the truth. Or saved them. I did tell my husband about my contact with the coaches, but I was vague about the deep hole I was in. It was just easier to deal with the phone calls and emails of my L1 instructors. I really didn't let them know the full depth of my feelings either.

I got to meet Glassman at Regionals and talk with him. I tried to explain what CrossFit meant to me and how I owed it so much-more than he will ever know, but couldn't really go into detail without crying. I really didn't want to do that, so I just said "I can't express right now how my life is changing." It didn't matter though. He just gave me a big hug and said "I understand. I really do." And although he does not know the details of my story, there was something in his eyes and nod that told me he did understand. I'm not the first and I won't be the last person who turns a lifetime of negative thinking around because of our sport. That's pretty amazing. I think he hears it a lot but it never gets old. He seems genuine like that. I know it made me want to work harder toward my goal of not letting myself down anymore.

When I asked if the new Goal Setting Seminar would be helpful, they said yes and encouraged me to go. It took a long time till I felt like I could. I didn't feel worthy to sit there. It never occurred to me to become Certified in my weakness. So I made sure by the time I went, I had put a lot of my negative self-talk behind me. I was able to list my goals without a lot of thought. Months of soul searching can do that to you. I'm like an addict-there is a comfort I take in putting myself down. I still do it, to a degree. Why can't I get under the bar, etc. But I am getting clean. And I have not abused my nutrition in 64 days. I feel really good.

At first so I would not let down others, and then myself-FINALLY :), I have changed my way of thinking about food and myself. Now I can love my family the way they deserve to be loved. I am not squandering the gift that was given to me from CrossFit and I am not disregarding the gift I have given myself. I do not write this to make others feel sorry for me or to be proud of me. I don't need either. I am proud of me. Hell, I freaking LOVE me! So, I write this for me. As I do all my blog entries. Because secrets are fucking heavy to carry around. And if it helps someone else, I'm happy. I can't be the only person who was afraid to acknowledge a weakness in fear of letting others down. Truth is, we only have to be strong for ourselves. Everyone around you will benefit from it. Just don't be afraid to accept help. Sometimes you know enough to try to pull yourself out of a hole. You just need someone to remind you to use a hook grip.